aside I DO ‘not’ – vows and expiry-ism

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Matthew 19:4-6 – Such beautiful scripture to ponder over as we get the ball rolling on this years’ experience of holy matrimonies. 2016 has been quite something on the commitment front – I shit you not – at least 20-25% of my spending this year has been on ‘relatives’ and ‘buddies’ taking the leap (AND I SPEND A LOT!). What does this 20% constitute you ask?

  • Bachelor Parties – who do you think pays for the ‘special’ guests?
  • Best Man Duties – Apparently the cost of clothing is all on you
  • Other best man duties – Alcohol is somehow always under-budgeted for
  • ‘Kufupa’ – Level of friendship is equivalent to the kwachas that you throw in the air (and I am a good friend)

And so you see, 20-25% of my spending! Now am I complaining? On the contrary, these festivals have been absolute fun. I have also managed to distract myself from my Team’s unfortunate start to the season this year. Perhaps when we sell Pogshit and send the ‘shitty one’ back to our rivals, we could return to our glory days!!

Where was I? Ah yes – not complaining. All those Benjamins that I have been throwing in the air this year will surely pay off one-day. A favour shall be returned! But before I get ahead of myself, if there is one thing that I have learnt this year, it is that Mathew 19:4-6 has lost its entire meaning. What do I mean? (See what I did there?). One look at the bride and groom on the happiest day of their lives and you wonder, is this shit for real? Or is there a bun in that oven? (Kodi achimwene apeleka phuli?). This must have been the case for at least 50% of the ‘zinkhoswes’ and ‘ukwatis’ that I patronized this year. Again! – Not complaining.

How about the other half? Certainly not love. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to formally introduce a new terminology to the English diary. Introducing ‘expiry-ism’, pronounced as ‘EX-PAYA-RA-LI-ZIM’. Refers to a ladies’ belief of losing companionship value due to her growing age. The age at which a lady determines as her final possible age of securing an ‘ideal’ man is termed as the ‘expiry’ age.

A study of the commitments made this year in relation to the past years’ has shown me that the ‘expiry’ age has reduced to an all-time-low (floating around the early 20s and gradually shifting into the teens). Why is this so? I have not gotten that far yet but I have been able to isolate some key symptoms of this phenomena.

The single ‘working’ men out there will agree with me that there is NO such thing as dating to get to know each other anymore. Well at least not in the warm heart of Africa. Unless you are asking out an 11 year old or something (perfect route to Mawula) – Zako izo. You see my friends, due to the reduction of the ‘expiry’ age in our country, ladies do not have the time for the traditional way of courtship. Basically, Kuziwana mukapangira kubanja. So what is a man to do in such a situation, considering that he has needs? Two options – Lie yourself into her pants or Submit to eternal matrimony (AKA One-gina). Bola kudya mani.

But let us say that you are just that good. You managed to woo her into a temporary state of ‘dating’. Do not be surprised if every couple of weeks she starts to talk about close friends that are getting married, or a relative getting married. The venue, the dates, the dress, the cake, the cars, etc. Hint hint my man

If that doesn’t work, then it is about how her mom, dad, uncle, grandpa, (you name it) were telling her about how they can’t wait to dance on her special day. To send her off, to patronize, to see their little angel in that white dress. Now don’t get me wrong, kumawuzana nkhani zimenezi, but when it becomes a strategic plot of manipulation, you better see it for what it is – ‘EX-PAYA-RA-LI-ZIMU’.

I do not want to bore you with a lecture on my Pabwalo debut. So ndingokamba yomaliza, then timve maganizo anu pankhani yovuta imeneyi. I call this one, the ‘forced-kuwonekera’. Certainly many of you folks in serious relationships would like to meet the parents and guardians of your loved ones someday. But imagine a situation where out of the blue – There you are minding your own business, then tada! ‘Awa ndi masteni anga’!. Dude! Like shit – we do not introduce elders like that. Apparently she wanted you to meet up with her at some fast food (KEY EF SEE). She ‘DID NOT’ know that her mum would be joining. Apo umangoziwiratu kuti date ya expiry yayandikira.

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