aside Big Daddy Bae’s 1st time:a shitty situation

Coming from a deeply Christian background, I had always frowned upon prostitutes and what they represented as being among the top ten things that will assure one’s presence in the hottest innermost parts of hell.


Indeed I had encountered a couple of my then fellow Christian brethren who claimed to have once endeavored into the illicit behavior; these are men who were always quick and non-ashamed to shock the rest of the born again flock with stories of their past philandering and soliciting prostitute ikafika nthawi ya ma testimony…thinking back now, some of the stories were highly exaggerated and simple pathetic attention seeking ploys.


But none the less, every time I witnessed a ‘brother’ testifying and reminiscing on the days ankapanga ma hule, ndinkamusika kwambiri….ife anzawo ma testimony athu anali otukwana ma niste ndiku showa ma khazeni…iwowo nkumabweresa horrific encounters with ma night queens?…uku nde kuchimwa kwa moyo wako wonse, I used to think.


Simply put, such testimonies used to fill me with disgust………………….and arouse a little interest……


Yep you heard me , I said ‘ arouse a little interest’ .


As in kuti I was inquisitive to how would it feel  paying a ‘whore’ money and gaining carnal rights and privileges to their ‘assorted items’


In time, my religious zeal and convictions all but disappeared; I soon started to indulge in alcohol and mixing with anthu okuti are sworn enthusiasts of ‘sexual transactions’


But none the less my ‘hule-cherry’ remained unpopped……until I got an opportunity yopanga nawo survey  ku  Mponela one semester break:


It was also the particular time in that year I had decided to go on a liquor break, so long story short: I was being one of those boring sober people  aku ma survey, who have this superiority complex yokuti akusaver money posamwa and look down on the regular ‘after-field’ team of imbibers.


I maintained my stupidity of kuzimana fun throughout the entirety of the survey, basically locking myself up in my MK800 shared room as soon as I finished my MK200 meal…


Meanwhile the drunkards in our squad were out each night drinking and whoring…mudziwa mmene zikhalira ku ma survey.


The night before we left Mponela to return to our various bases and occupations, the drunkards could no longer take my shit. They insisted on my accompanying them as they closed the chapter that was ‘Mponela red light’.


I was reluctantly coerced with the promise that ndizikangomenya pool and nditha kukabwerela nthawi yina iliyonse ndikabhoweka.


By 9 am we were out! and ready to conquer the night…well…at least them, my objectives centered on largely honing my Pool skills.


We got to the designated night club, it wasn’t too stuffed with people as it was just a Thursday.


We all took our preferred positions: the majority of the guys at the bar counter, adha ena ake timati Zuze(ndimapanga nawo share room yogona ) nde amangotuluka tuluka osakhazikika, while me and one guy were strictly by the tattered pool table.


Slowly the hours whiled away and the bar started filling up with more people. Suddenly at around 11:45 a troupe of ‘ assorted items’ started to file their way into the Night club one by one:


There were your usual fufu mimba whores (those whose stomachs stick out more than their asses) and also the regular banana shaped breasted divas.


But standing out of the crowd of jezebels was this tall dark item equipped with vivacious buttocks that commanded the gaze of every sensible male in the room.


Suddenly my survey mates were in full stealth mode, as if they had an unspoken agreement and game plan: One by one they would make their way to the dance floor and indulge into conversation with a chosen swiswiri then disappear with her via the rear exits to what was situated the rooms of the Nightclub cum resthouse establishment….the others would ignore all this and go about their business as each waited for their turn yokazithangata kuseli …..even Zuze was now firmly stationed in the Nightclub as he also waited his turn.


Meanwhile I had been ogling eyes with the ‘black antelope’ who had so much captivated my attention…and my loins earlier.


But alas! when it got to Zuze’s turn to go sample the goods, he headed straight to chingini chija and without much hassle they were heading out of the exits…I of course gave the chingini a disappointed look (I thought we had been sharing a moment, and she should have been patient on a nigga, I was new to all this and sindimafuna ndipange zinthu zowoneka kugulu)


With this new disappointment I decided I had just had enough of the place and should retire to my bed at the resthouse we were putting up at.


But not before I explored the ‘forbidden quarters’ that was the resthouse part of the Night club…alone and strictly to satisfy my curiosity.


I went through the exits, and started moving through the semi dark winding corridor, calling out Zuze’s name to grant me alibi if anyone was to wonder what I was doing there in the first place: ndimamuyang’ana Zuze, ndamene anali ndi makiyi aku room kwathu.


So there I was exploring and shouting ‘Zuze’  at each landing when I passed a corner and encountered ‘the black antelope’


She became aware of my presence and seemed to utter some words, but because of the loud music from the club I could not discern the meaning(sister Bethina was playing loudly , blaring through the corridor)…so I moved closer:


Mzako uja nde ali panjapa akusanza….kungonditayisa time yanga’


Sensing an opportunity grabbing moment I quickly interrupted:


zake ameneyo, poti apapa ndimayang’ana iweyo…nde…………………(a minute passed)…………..uti bwanji?’


Her pupils widened:

nde sumanena bwanji nthai yonse ija? Nane ndimangokuthayimatu….muzathawana ndi msomba za fresh tu’


I decided to go right in for the kill

nde m’mati tu ndili ndi pin apapa, ndimafuna ungondigayila ka tulo kenakake’

zabobho…nde tiye ukandipolamise panjatu…malumu nde onse azaza ndi anzako aja’ she replied as she led me outside the building.


Outside we rounded a corner and were suddenly on a path to a bush clearing but blocked by a man

Adha mdara tipangeko business’ the antelope said to the guard as she gestured to me that I was to make all payments to the character blocking our path to ‘Nirvana’…pressure eased of my heart, ndimaopa


I made the payments, and the guard/pimp smiled smugly at me and whispered as I passed him ‘indetu wa akulu’


I did not reply….


Rather I focused on the task ahead. We got to a tree then she………………………………………………………..this is a family oriented site so I will spare the details but just know that some bending over was involved.


And there was it…..i had finally lost my ‘chikheba virginity’


After finishing off in stylish fashion, I quickly pulled up my pants and started to head back to the night club briskly…..


Ooooooooooooooh what a rush!!


Finally I was back in the night club and my whole faculties begun to settle…


That was when I started noticing a sudden fecal stench in the night club….munali mutayamba kununkha manyi all of a sudden…


Not wanting to find the source of the ‘pong’, I quickly searched around for my friends but then decided; fuck em!!….makiyi aku room anali ndi ine the whole time anyway…so I split


Fast forward ku room ntafika, ndikuti ndisinthe ndizigona, I noticed that my shirt had some suspicious brown stains and that the shitty smell I had detected  earlier ku nightclub kuja was still intact…


Fearing for the worst I raised the tshirt to bring the stained parts to my nose level…and surely…analidi manyi!


There was one explanation: as I was busy pounding away at the backside of the black antelope, the insides of her buttocks had been in turn staining my shirt with Nsete….


She must have been fresh off coming from a shit and not done her ablutions thoroughly,

The end

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