The festive period is upon us!
Yes, it’s that time of the year again when we are allowed to lose our heads and spend beyond our means.
Eyetu, and you know the two most marketable items of the season: Beer and Pussy.
Indeed December is synonymous with conspicuous consumption of alcohol and generosity of one’s private parts. We here at Pabwalo would like to give you a step by step guide on maximizing your festivities…particularly if you are a young man in a committed relationship…tikufuna tikugawileniko upangiri wa uhule courtesy of Big Daddy Bae (Patent pending).
Let’s go straight to the point: the biggest hindrance to having a great sexecember is and will always be the ‘Girlfriend’…trust me it looks cute and all, spending the entire time with the ‘love of your life’ but what are you really trying to prove? When god was creating months, he set aside December to remind committed fellaz on the awesomeness of being single….true story.
So let’s start with how to get rid of ‘bubu’:
Kuyambana naye won’t do, but rather make use of the norms and customs of the season; kumakhala ma party akuntchito kwa frenzo, ma party akwa achibale etcetera. This is your opportunity to create phantom events whose attendance is by strict invitation and your presence there is vital for various reasons:
Party yakuntchito kwa mzako:’’bae ukuku sanandipase +1, nakakhala osapita and just chill with you but you know how such parties munthu umapezera ma connections, abwana ake a Mpambira so ndi afana abho and paja azakhalamoso mu planning committee ya ukwati wathu’
Party or event ya family:’’ bae you know how chaka chilichonse ma steni ndi mitizi amapita ku chiradzulu for xmas kukaona deni yakumudzi? Nde pajaso my cousin Moses wabwera from kunja, this time around ndikungoyenera kupezekako basi…nanga inu ndi akwanu mupanga chani chaka chino?’’
Don’t be afraid to create kaya ziliza, maliro, ma trip aku church etc..paja amati this is a time for reflection iwe just make sure kuti your lies go through her like a banker in a mid-management position.
Now that she is finally out of your hair…you know who you gonna call:
Just kidding, Ghostbusters don’t exist, you are going to call and make plans with your ex. preferably the one you left issues unresolved with…the one you still end up being in the same social circles with but it’s not awkward because supposedly you two moved on…but you didn’t.
Do not despair if you do not possess such an ex, you might also want to look into who has been the best performing side chick for you this year and reward this overachiever ka 2 days kenakake between 25th and 31st .
If your pimp game has been weak, do not panic and make the drastic decision of finding a December bitch from scratch, rather outsource and delegate pussy identification duties to other people…we all have that one friend who can be regarded as a Bitch Brigadier General of sorts.
You will not be less of a man if you attach yourself to a friend with overflowing bitch blessings kuti mwina naweso madaliso wo asakupitilire…ma cross aja samavutaso mu December…just make sure the Diego Costa within you is in form…score by any means necessary.
Sopano nkhani ndi Venue:
The classic all-time favourites are den ya frenzo, njale ya frenzo, ku office …the idea is to disassociate yourself spatially as possible and create alibis:
‘’ine? Martha ndi ine? Kwa nda? Kwa Nathan? Pajatu I went there for breakfast and a bunch of people just happened to show up, sindimaziwa kuti Martha akhala mugulu’’
‘’ine? Mu njale ya nda? Mu gamoto ya Alinawo?….iiiii ndimakamusiya sister wake when we were all ku chameleon analedzera kwambiri, and you know how amafanana ndi Martha, nde tinayima cha ku total yaku city center to get her food….she is like a sister to me, too bad amafanana ndi Martha’’
‘’ine? Of course ndinapita ku office m’ma 10, I was there to photocopy zinazake fast fast abwana anga amazifuna mammawa kwambiri….ndinali ndi nda? Martha? Koma Bae!! Mesa ndimakamusiya sister wa Alinawo kwao nde I just remembered za abwana angazo mu njira!! Nde anthu aja amafanana…u can call a watchman aku vephi if you want’’
Long story short; just make sure you have a pre-fabricated web of lies at hand when needed.
Whatever you do always remember: the window of opportunity closes on 30 December , pa 31st and hence forth every successful cheating boyfriend goes back to their small titty girlfriend to kiss on new years’ and continue pretending kuti anapeza ‘satisfactory romance’