.Once in a while Big Daddy bae gets tired of this Ntcheu business and sets off for a ‘cultural refresher’ trip to usually our country’s capital: Lilongwe.
As genuine as Ntcheu personalities are, sometimes I prefer spending my weekends surrounded by fake and supercilious personalities for my personal amusement, kinda like visiting a zoo really.
During such trips I eventually find myself in the company of different accented English speaking peoples all of Malawian nationality.
It really puzzles me why it is normal to find Malawians (even from the same family) dialoging in different accents: wina ati british, wina nkumabweza akuti American, ena kumatinyasa ndi ya ma oens akuti zapa joloza.
Tangoyankhulani Chichewa pilizi chonde!!
Usually the explanations behind such accents go in the line of:
‘’iiiiii anakhalisatu ku Canada, m’dala yake inali diplomat’’
‘’eh, amenewotu aphunzira ma sukulu achizungu okha okha, anali ku bishop Mackenzie kenaka ku K.A’’
Some people have no explanation at all: munali nawo ku Phwezi limodzi, munkayankhulana chizungu chabwino bwino, koma pano mukakumana they barrage you with achina ‘my guy’ ‘my G’ ‘Chief’ ‘ekse’ ndi zina zoterozo
Even some of the guys with so called ‘legit’ explanations are questionable:
Winawe unapita pa U.K chapompano utakula kale , sunakhaliseko so koma wa abweresera masteni ako achina ‘innit’, kuma malizisa sentence ina iliyonse ndi ‘yea’, …tinkatchulana ‘aise aise’ koma pano umandi ti ‘mate’ (pronounced might)…….aaaaaaaaaaaa!
Olo magaye enanu apa K.A pompa, tell me which teaching department at Kamuzu academy specialized in changing your pronunciation of people’s Malawian names, for example; Dalitso to ‘Dear-lee-soul’….WTF????
Don’t get me wrong, I am not against the correct pronunciation and enunciation of the Queen’s language, frankly speaking I distaste the hearing of mis-positioned Ls & Rs in the grammar of most of our countrymen as much as every Bish-Mac guy( for ‘yuwa’ info, I attended Bishop Mackenzie time yinayake, but you don’t hear me referring to my parents as ‘rents’ or ‘Mallie and Ballie’…zokuti ndinali ku Bish Mac zo ndi zoona, you can ask my friend Isaac Mkangama, tinali limodzi, of course iyeyo anali kalasi yakusogolo ndi achina William Fitzpatrick, afana ena ake aku Australia tinkangoti ‘Awidze’…anali afana a bho, sanali racist ngati azungu ena…anyway back to the main issue at hand)
I mean really, do you find foreigners who have stayed in Malawi for some time going back to their countries with a Malawian accent? That would be ridiculous. Nanga ife ndi chani? Even countrymen who have graced such countries as Uganda, Tanzania, Zambia do not come back home sounding like Idi Amin or Oga Rex-one, rather they prefer to come back home sounding like Winston Churchill or Hermione Granger…UNLESS these countries are inhabited by the british this does not make any sense.
Enanu kungogula VW Polo basi suddenly you are possessed by the soul of a South African coloured …kuyambaso kusuta shisha pompo!….as Onesimus says: Money is Good!!!
I salute my parent’s generation in this department and think we can emulate them in this regard: for example I have an uncle who has lived outside the country ever since he left college back in the eighties but this nigga’s English still sounds like he just got off a canoe from a fishing expedition somewhere in Nkhatabay. Makolo athu maintain the Malawian flavor of their English albeit speaking the Queen’s language correctly!
Need I remind you that it might be the Queen’s language but this is no longer her country, so why bother straining your Dzuka Girls’ ass trying to sound like a brit?
Ukufuna kukwatidwa ndi mzungu kapena?…you have better chances at that if you keep your hair short and unkempt, experiment with weed and start carrying around a guitar aimlessly even if you can’t play…same goes for guys…don’t puzzle our white guests with bamboozling synthetic accents that always end up with the user ‘breaking’ somewhere along the way and revealing their true tongue.
So what if you grew up outside the country ? Who cares? You still ended up here ‘innit’? Why still be in denial that your African chimpanzee looking ass is back where it belongs? Eni eni wo amene anapitilako za nzeru wo and only took you along for sake of you being their child don’t sound nonsensical as you do, iwe busy basi taking yourself as a tourist in your own goddamned country, tikati ticheze iwe basi taking any available chance kutikumbusa za kunja kwakoko….Nyopako mate!
Ndipo kupusa kumeneku musaleke, y’all give me stuff to talk about behind your backs…
I REPEAT: NDINALIDI KU ‘BISH-MAC’ …ASK ISAAC MKANGAMA