Ding! Ding! Ding! (Bells ringing). A few days to Christmas and the New Year is fast Approaching. The Ntcheu man already said it – Beer and Pussy people. Kwa anthu amene mumapemphera, ndekuti ndi nthawi ija yama overnight prayer ndi ma gospel concert (Whatever blows your skirt up!).
At every year’s beginning, I select at least two or three beautiful ladies and promise myself that one day I am going to ‘bless’ them with Mr ‘D’. I believe that as a single man in this sexless shit-hole, have a responsibility to share as much dick as possible to as many worthy pussies out there. Nanga azimayi enawa azitani poti ma member mukumatengeka ndi ma bible studies ndi zina zotero? Let’s face it, you girls want to get laid too. Hence my annual commitment to share my blessings. It is not an easy task to convince mabebi that they want to get laid. You are usually too concerned about what I and the world will think of you for giving up the goods for non-other than pleasure.
I am not a kiss and tell by the way. If was; I would have already written about the time that I screwed a one ‘… …’ (That was close). The point is, you have nothing to fear, Snr Chief is out to play.
Gentlemen, it is December end! You have a duty to serve the women of your country. Tikamati festive season, siikulezera kokha ayi! Tiyeni tithandizeko ma sisters athu kuti nawo amveko kukoma 2016. This calling is not for the faint hearted though. We need men that can infiltrate marriages. Men that can take one for the team (sikuti azimayi onse ndi okongola eti?). We also need men that can last. Azimayi mundiwuza bobo koma I assume that at least minimum izikhalako 20 mins eti? One minute men can stick to their greens. Like seriously, don’t embarrass us.
We men at Pabwalo promise to play our role during this festive season. Sopano ma ladies. What do we expect from you? (Gender Roles).
Many of you young ladies are still staying with your parents. No judgements– that is unless of cause you are making enough money to sustain your own household. Enanu please understand that we cannot be picking you up ‘kumpanda’ at 3pm and be expected to drop you back home by 6 KWANU. Maybe if it was as simple as:
Pick-up – Get home – Get in- Get off- Get Out. MAAAYYYBEEE we could come to some sort of exceptional agreement.
Koma zina zija ayi. Mumafuna kumwa kaye ka wine. Mumveseleko tinyimbo. Get comfortable while we build a chemistry. Sorry guys! Zimenezo kuchibwenzi konko!!! December sex should be December sex. Either make more time to accommodate the ‘build-up’ or just give up the goods ASAP. Ife ma goods athu amakhala pa stand by nthawi zonse (Even magesi akakhala kulibe. Lol).
Secondly, choooonde! Let us not catch feelings. You had the whole of 2016 to do that with a multitude of single handsome men. Tiyeni tipatsane ulemu and just enjoy the season. This is a time to celebrate, drink, dance and fornicate. Not to look for love.
We must also acknowledge that despite being in a small country, we are quite a number. Therefore it is very important that we (both ladies and gentlemen) leave our houses once in a while during this period. Go Out! Attend random Barbecues, parties, turn-ups (whatever the name). How else do you expect to meet random strangers willing to lay your ass for fun? Certainly not ku’chalichi. And when you do decide to go, socializing is the key. Kambani nkhani za random. Osati kumayang’ana ka checklist ka ‘ideal’ partner. Again! YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR LOVE.
Lastly, ladies and gentlemen are my seasonal regards to all the Pabwalo fans out there. Remember to stay safe. Condomise or get tested before skinny dipping. Do not drink AND drive. Lots of police out there. Drink THEN drive!