aside A guide to 2017….

And a happy new year to you too!!!! *Insert all cliché hastags HERE* cause I aint got time for all that bullshit! “yeee…. 2017 tings…. Rebranding… wanna get close to Jesus… to a healthy fit year…. 2017 is my year…” fuck y’all and your attention seeking bullshit…. Its just another year. My brother, my sister, if you have no goals, no drive, no effort… 2017 is just another year… Leave Jesus out of it. Pompano Chilembwe Day… Valentines… Martyrs… Easter… labor day… Kamuzu day… Independence… Eid…. Mothers day…. Kenaka yiiiii…. DhiiiCember and your pathetic life will forever remain the same.

No I am not cranky… since the time I said “dicklesscember” anthu ambiri akakumana nane amandimvela chisoni kuti I aint getting DHiiii. I have just learned to keep quiet about my sexcapades. Aaaah inu, ine ndikakhale opanda sex? Nyini yanga yatsekeka or what? Every organ of the body needs to be thoroughly used for the body to perform bhobho…. Nchindowo timauwona kungoti tinasiya zoulula. Tachinda ndithu… kaya zokuba, zobwereka, zokakamiza, zokanika kuzisiya, koma tachindabe basi. Dhiii tamuona ndipo the sex gods will be generous kukubweraku tichindabe…. Isaaaaa

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, tikambe za guide to 2017 izi… you know what, if things are working out for you, my brother, my sister, PITILIZANI. You love your lover, you love your job, you love where you live and you are content, akulu, khazikikani. Sometimes it is good to know when you have arrived and reached your goals. Nthawi zina kumadziwa kuti naApapa apa ndafikapo… when you are on top, the only place left to go is DOWN. Kumavomeleza…. Izi zomapitiliza kusaka mutafikapo, you will lose a good thing. Learn to be content and grateful. Amen?????? Ameniiiiiii….

Komano mu 2017 let us stop being lazy and go out there and do something…. Aaah inu. Kaya unapita ku school kaya sunapite, there is something you can do to for money kaya for change… iiih kaya chinachake guys. Makolo sangangolela munthu mpaka zaka 30 koma munthu kungokhala chitsiru basi. Basi kungodzuka nkumayenda mu hood, kuswera m’ma tuck shop kusuta fodya opempha… basi kumangogula ma units a K100 kumapita pa Instagram nkumapanga double tap zinthunzi za anthu and call it a day…. Kulodzedwa or what???

Can’t you share your skills and talents and volunteer somewhere, help somewhere????? Koma mumadziwa kuti moyo wanuwo is not just for you? Share motherfucker…. Share whatever it is you possess. Basi nzeru zanu, your very bright ideas kumangopanga ma debate kumowa and ma turn up…. Wo wo wo wo wo wo  mpaka ndeu chifukwa cha Donald Trump… muthu oti siPresident wathu nkomwe. Zakumatako basi. Ma goals nkumakhala kuti timwera kuti basi? Ntchito kumangopanga post pa WA group zithunzi za azimayi alimaliseche… muli mweeetu. Kumakanika nkusamba nkomwe chifukwa zochita mulibe…. Grow the fuck up. 2017’tu uyu…. 3 years to 2020.

And then these people who watch too much reality shows…. Yeee chakuti chakuti Atlanta kaya Beverly Hills… kenaka when they recycle their 100% “Like Brazilian Hair” pinyapinya m’ma party and clubs and starting unnecessary drama mpaka ndeu… throwing shoes, kukhapana ndimabotolo… WHAT THE FUCK??? Anthu mpakana ruining each other’s faces nkhani yake mamuna??? Does he have a diamond encrusted penis? Does it wipe your vagina itself after sex? Does that penis double as your sanitary pad when you are on your period? Musamatinyase mwamva… Basi anthu kumakumana kumafunsana nkhani?? “eeeh akuti you said this, you said that….”

Basi anthu kumadana chifukwa cha mamuna? Didn’t they tell you amuna they are savages???? They change you and they never change. Lol… Problem is y’all go to too many bridal showers and hen parties where they say “support your spouse.” The key word here is “spouse” mumakhala mukumva malangizo opita kwa munthu oti akukwatira koma inu kutengera zonse nkumapanga pa tizibwenzi tanu ta on and off ngati ESCOM…. On pa weekend, off weekday chifukwa simukumwa mowa. Inu basi supporting your “Bae” ndizinthu zopusa zomwe mpaka forgetting your true-self, your beliefs, your dignities and shit…. Zakumatako. 2017’tu uyu…. Muyaluka nazo zima forced spouse-ship zanuzo.

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NEW YEAR, NEW ME…Mwinaatu

Nde mukuti izi zomapanga post ma workout routine anuwo kenaka 20 minutes later mukudya mang’ina, ma sausage…. Dzima cake koma sodas overloaded with sugar kumati mukuluza weight… iyayi my brother, my sister, you still look FAT, I’m sorry. Mudakali ndidzimasaya, your upper arms still jiggle and those squats are doing nothing for your flat ass…. NOTHING. My brother, ma weight mukunyamulawo without the leg work, mukamayenda mu hood kumaoneka ngati ma chicken drumstick. I’m sorry, ma weight’wo amathandiza kuti ma penis nawonso akule kapena mumafuna kutibela? We should tengeka with your bodies nkukapeza ma passport sized dicks…. 2017’tu uyu… know when to stop ndati. And know the routines that are right for your body…..

nya-4
why are your legs still in 1999?

Komansotu atsikana ameta tsitsi lawo…. Eeeh heeeh… 2017 kungowona ma short hair… koma ma seda… koma ma tint…. Mukuti ndi chiyani? General January lasts til end February (maximum) girls, ngati mumadandaula maluzi, mukanangomanga ma braids and all would have been well end February.  Mavuzi mukumameta koma? Munthu mpaka mumavala pant a size too big to accommodate your mavuzi…. Ntchito kucheka zida za amuna ntauni’mu ife tikamawapasa head ngati amawatemela mipini, ali mavuzi anu atawacheka…. Aaaah inu… be consistent. Iyayi poti ndi 2017 uyu…. Hashtag rebranding. Mwina muzithako ka sex in the shower without worrying about your cheap weaves… amuna mpaka kukanika grabbing your hair when having sex…. Aaaah inu…

Tsopano izi zomapita ku club opanda ndalama musiye mu 2017 chifukwa ma club aku Lilongwe mukuti cockpit awa… they don’t even give you change eti… LOL. Amwene munthu wagula madzi kupeleka K2000, bartender ziiiii…. If it has taken them 30 minutes to take your drink order nde mukuona ngati change chingatenge how long? My brother, my sister, go out with your own money… don’t sell your soul for a ride back, a drink, entrance fee…. Aaah inu. Basi munthu mpaka mukwerane just cause he gave you a ride from Blue Elephant or paid for your drink? Penapake…. Osamaphwekesa ma vagina awa eti? Vuto lake amuna omwewo akumatithawa ifeyo ozipangira tokha zinthu chifukwa cha atsikana opanda ma plan ngati inu. Panyapanu.

Eeeh Heeeh…. Lights just went off (time to save and shut down… Lol) it seems ESCOM is still the same in 2017… ndinanena chani ine? Its just another year anthu inu…. Chomwe chitasinthe ndi zaka zathu basi. Tisatengeke. Koma zinazi mutha kusinthako guys. It doesn’t have to drastic…. In simpler terms, GROW THE FUCK UP.

 

May I wish you all a year of peace, love and happiness… Basitu… nde focus yathu enafe. Whether we offend people in the process, ZAWO amenewo. We have lived for other people for quite some time and ended up hurt… bwanji tipange zatokha? Wina zikumudhinya, panyapake ameneyo… wina catching feelings za ziii….. panyapake….. basi kumagundika kutsatana basi? iwowo kuti chani? Inu muzikhala depending on ma feelings amunthu wina, zikuyendera pa Malawi? 2017’tu uyu…. Ithyoke ithyoke basi…. Ma boil… mtendere ndi chisangalalo, amene sakupanga fall in line, Panyapawo……

cue music ♫ Just live your life…. Eeeeh eeeh eeeeeh ♫

 

5 comments

  1. Hehheheh koma mahope simuzatheka,,mwatilangiza bhoobho n at the very end muli chaka chamaboil ichi?kkkk,,,word up t o th chix who go out clubbin without even a single tambala,,chaka chake sichino,,mahope alangiza

    Liked by 1 person

      • Happy new year to u 2 mahopes,,,tibwatitse basi,,,tayamba kale kubwatitsatu,mapapa tikubwatitsaso,,,moti zikuwila ndithu,,kkkk,,koma nde mwatinenatu mahope mpaka tifusile zoona?ife timakonda zongobatu,,,zongophula mumphika zimakomatu mahope,,,ndifusila inuwo,,,mukandikana nde ndilowa chiwewetu,,,kkkkk,,,lookin forward t mo articles 4rm ma hope ths year,,u guyz rock,,hats off

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