My New Year Resolutions

2017, The first time I will ever come up with new year resolutions. I always thought this was a waste time, a list of things that you’re less likely to achieve because most lists I have known have an 80% fail rate, which truly must suck. I am going to make a list of resolutions that will have a 90% success rate. So here goes.

1.  Drink just as heavy as 2016 if not more – this will happen either way whether I like it or not. The hard part will be to limit the black outs  I hammer every other weekend and the stupid ungakome plain texts I send to my favorite fuck buddy who never lets me in raw. 3 and a half years service and I’m still denied the gold. That’s a story for another day tho.

2. Smoke less cigarettes – I’m part of that breed that’s still partial to the odd cigarette. For all the health benefits of quitting, I can’t help but feel I’d rather live a shorter life that allows me to warm myself up with a cigarette on a cold night. The scientific evidence says that it’ll lead to a variety of terrible illnesses, but at least I’m in good company. With that being said, I think cutting down from 20 cigarettes to 18 wouldn’t do me much harm would it?

3. Understand females in a different way – before this year, I used to think females need to be treated right and that should worship and adore them. Boy was I wrong. These hoes ain’t loyal!! Witches tell you. Treat em nice and all you will get is disappointment. I’ve got two types of friends in terms of female approach-the dicks and the nice guys. The dicks had a far better 2016 than the nice guys. Better bitches, less drama and no pregnancies. That’s a good deal eh. To all guys in 2017- be a dick.

4. Go to church – I am slowly becoming atheist, which isn’t a very good thing  in this society. Apparently, you gotta believe in something around here and becoming a Jew is something that is proving difficult. Being a Jew would be awesome because those guys are rich as fuck and basically run the world so I’d like to become very influential in picking Malawi’s president in 2034. With that being said, I think I need affiliate myself with a church in readiness for marriage and death etcetera etcetera. Last weeks count on the times I went to church is on 4 so that shouldn’t be so difficult to top.

5. Dress better – that picture depicting that Malawian men are always dressed up in a shorts and replica jerseys hurt mea lot cause I genuinely like that attire because it is a lazy attire  that doesn’t need much tinkering or even ironing. This year I want to wear replica jerseys less and fashion out my collection of striped/checkered shirts and blue jeans with a brown belt. Demet, still sounds like a bloody Malawian attire to me. The type guys wear to engagement ceremonies. Yuck!! I will come up with my own boujee style that will amaze y’all.

6. Eat more – I’m slowly catching up to thiscraze about chubby is the new sexy.I used to weigh a lowly 57 kgs once and I thought to myself that that couldn’t be the amount of weight a guy should weigh. A general lack of respect would ensue because no one respects a small guy generally. So yess 74 at the start of the year will turn to 84 kg next Jan. To hell with that gym nonsense.

7. Hate Arsenal – it seems Arsenal fans hate Man Utd more than they actually love Arsenal so it’s about time I return the favor this year. Those guys will not win anything this year and that will make 2017 at least half a great year. Arsene aka Mr Bean will still be in charge next season and it will be the same old story and I swear I will keep reminding them how useless their team is. Those headless chickens. Sanchez to Old Trafford happening soon. GGMU!!

Achievable goals you see. Success in 2017 is inevitable. Happy 2017 folks!

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