In order to congratulate himself for achieving 7 straight days soberness, the Tay Grin of Ntcheu AKA Big Daddy Bae embarked on journey that would culminate in him patronizing the very best atmosphere Lilongwe (or indeed Malawi) has to offer: Sunday Jazz at Chameleon (Four Seasons complex)
‘Kamz’ as the Lilongwe natives call it, is a very peculiar place particularly for non-Lilongwe inhabitants like me.
Don’t get me wrong; kwa anthu okomedwa, this is undeniably the ‘mecca’ of living it up and the zenith of conspicuous consumption in our third world country…and who can blame them for believing so really?
Kamz offers several opportunities…. it is and not restricted to-
- A platform to show off your muscles…I personally think we can come up with a superb national Olympic team if we utilized all those Heineken drinking bouncers…only if they stopped wearing funny shorts and looking for white sugar-mommies
- An occasion for people (with names like Richard but addressed as ‘Richie’) to bluster off incomprehensibly in bewildering foreign accents, retelling stories of their time back in Canada (ey) to equally conceited individuals who think hanging out with such ‘has-beens’ might improve their accents and social standings….akuti china chilichonse kumangoyankhila ‘that’s so true bruv’ kapena ‘eh oan, that’s so messed up’….chimakhala chili chani anyapala inu?
- A rare chance to spot your favorite Malawian urban musician parading around in zovala zake zogonera sniffing for free drinks or a pull from your shisha..
A perfect setting to re-broadcast your marriage or chibwenzi if you feel people aren’t paying the necessary attention to your daily Facebook ‘with Bae’ posts…kungoyala nsalu ya u hule hule inayake pakapinga close to the footpath anthu azikuonani bwino amakadusa…inu mmene mwayambira kumwa miller or castle light yemwe uja…or simply just stand aimlessly around with bae and keep to yourselves(though you keep trying to catch people’s glances), and to hell with anyone who thinks you could have ‘simply kept to yourselves’ AT HOME and spared the people who know you the awkward decision making enigma of whether to come up to y’all and say hie or leave you be …ndinu madolo
- A prospect of hooking up with somebody inappropriate, whether in age, kaya ndi nzake wa mkazi wako, kaya ndi cousin wako…zabobho…as long as it initiated from ‘Kamz’ that jazz is acceptable.
- A scene to loudly debate politics and work related issues with your small penis brethren to the discomfort of people standing/sitting close to your gathering…anthu aziziwa kuti you are well connected game changers and afana ozisata mu capital city…kumatchula mayina ama famous lawyers ngati kuti ndi azinzanu….’Kaleke’ ndekuti chani?…it’s the attorney general Mr Kalekeni Kaphale to you!
- A stage to pretend that the terrible music coming from the equally terrible band is your shit!…aint you guys tired of listening to the same old crap over and over again? Bad Paul Simon covers sizimakutopesani?Just because amayimba atabanda and have dreadlocks don’t mean you are at a ‘Lawi’ concert, calm the fuck down and sit your scrawny ass down, don’t overcompensate for never realizing your dream of spending your twenties living in white people’s countries…get over it!…chabwino we get it! You know the lyrics to ‘Gimme hope Joanna’…maybe some white people will notice and take you back with them kwao…mwinatu
For all its pretentiousness, Kamz is also quiet the humbling place, here you will find your so called unrepentant Jamey or Absolut Vodka drinkers graciously accepting a bottle of Carlsberg green or Special from you…considering how expensive drinks are at the bar it’s no wonder you will be viewed with newfound respect once you are spotted with any beverage in a glass (on the rocks)
It was with this background knowledge that I found myself on Chilembwe day whiling away the late hours speaking English and needlessly handing out business cards to people I have no respect with whatsoever at Chameleon jazz Sunday..
I wasn’t drinking , merely toying with one of those fancy non-alcoholic beers (azunguwoso nafe timawakhumba)..But largely I was consuming shisha, kusutilatu sinanga ku Ntcheu kulibe, as dudes donning their tightest T-shirts kept on coming to where I was kumazapanga ma ‘whatsup G’ to guys I was with, nkumayamba zinkhani zosayamba excluding me uku akusuta shisha wanga…4.5 ndi yambiritu..
Richard this was for you…ukuzidziwa galu iwe