A blind date is when you go on a date with someone you do not know. Oh sure, technology has made things a bit easier… you can literally go on Facebook, type “Hi” ku inbox kwamunthu and five minutes later you are sending each other penis and vagina pictures. Sex is basically on our fingertips masiku ano…
But of course men these days have tiny ass balls to ask someone out on a date… to dive into the unknown especially if it involves them coughing up money when they don’t know if they will bonza you or not ‘Iyayi koma ndilawe kaye…’
So my colleague finds me in my office asking me what I am up to on a Wednesday night, knowing her I knew she wanted to set me up. To let her get to the point, I just told her “same old, same old” i.e home, eating a hearty meal, massaging my feet and watching American Horror Story(Nothing like a good horror to help me sleep)
Then she went on and on about how there is this cute single guy who would love to meet me. Now, munthu akasogoza kundifotokozela how good looking someone is, I back down. Tell me what he does first, then maybe. But, I took a deep breath and encouraged her to go on and what the hell, I was in the mood for some fun. I just told her to give the guy my number and we will set up something. She giggled away with excitement and I shook my head… why the hell was she excited? Its not like if all goes well we will share the prize… like here, suck this other testicle, thanks for the set up….
As soon as I decided to get back to work, I saw a WhatsApp notification pop up on my computer, new number:
“Hi there, Ebenezer here, U can save me as Eb, got your digits 4rm Chipiliro”
I sat there looking at the text, Ebe-fucken-Nezer, a name that sounds like it needs to go on, like Ebenezer school of driving or Ebenezer funeral services. Jesus. My eyes rolled so far back my eyes I could see the oil stain on my chair caused by my hair. Here we go. Look at this nigga here…. I saved him as “This Fool”
“Hello Ebenezer. I see Chipiliro was not joking. Good to hear from you so soon”
“I wanna see you… Would you like to meet?”
Whooooah… down Eb… down boy…
“um…. Sure… I’d like that”
“Tonight, I can pick you up at 7pm”
Whoooah, pick me up from where? Did Chipiliro give you the map to my place as well? Goddamn. I can’t let you see my home before I even met your ass…. Bloody hell.
“I can meet you wherever it is you want us to meet”
“Sure thing, Steers at 7pm then”
OMG! Steers? Really? What the fuck…. Eyes rolling… No alcohol???
“Awesome! See you there”
“I will be the one wearing a silver suit”
Jesus Christ, No. Kill me now… Silver suit? Ku Steers?
“Look at you setting the bar so high… suits and stuff… now I have no clue what to wear”
“LMFAO… don’t trip babie… wear anything. Later”
Great. Babie, already. This is the moment I decide to call it off after an hour kuti some family emergency came up, sorry, blappity blappity bla and never reply any of his texts but I was now curious to see who this silver suit ku steers for dinner guy was… afana Eb…. Ok…. Challenge accepted.
Of course I arrived at Steers in my work clothes (I didn’t even go home… I merely stopped pa “15” had a couple of drinks and went to steers 15 minutes before the actual time… why? To see him walk in, to establish dominance, to make him feel late…. Bully. And what do you know “Eb” showed up 20 minutes late, yes, 7:20pm in his very silver suit (anthu akamati usipa samanama) he looked like a sardine wrapped in foil, everyone looked at him… I was ashamed he was walking towards me.
Great I was out on a blind date with a guy who doesn’t keep time and looks like usipa.
You know how they say women know within the first 90 seconds they meet a guy if they are ever going to sleep with or not? Well it took me less than 20 seconds to know. Never.
I didn’t get up for him to recognize me I wanted to see if Chipiliro had shown him my picture or something. Well yeah, he walked straight up to me with a very big smile and what do you know two of his front teeth showed kuti mwina anakulira along the lakeshore, mumadziwa most of these people amakhala ndi mano okazingikika, they look bleached rotten.
I put away my phone and gave him all my attention, elbows off the table, legs crossed to show off my “oh-so-nice legs” and stared right at him. Bully. Eeeeh, Eb was nervous, I could see sweat on his nose, well, maybe it was the foil suit. But a little voice told me, Naya, be a good girl.
I started the conversation, asked him what Chipiliro told him about me, what he does and shit like that when really all I wanted to do was to establish dominance by asking his dick size. All that time I was looking at him trying to figure out if he is big or nah, if his genitals are engulfed with pubic hair… I kept picturing him sitting on a chair and me riding him.
He ordered pizza and I ordered chips and chicken just to mess with him but eating every chip slowly inserting it into my mouth with my eyes straight at him. Bully. All the while he was breaking his English and eating food with his fork in his right hand and knife on the left (I mean, who eats pizza with cutlery, Dafuq) I really was imagining me riding him with his hands tied. How would I even scream out his name? “Eb? Ebene? Ebnez? Ebeneza? Nez?” Bloody hell… Not once did I picture him on top… not a good sign. Well, yes I’m never going out with this guy but what good could he do me? Why the fuck am I here?
There it was, once I asked myself why the fuck am I there, it was time to stop. Eb there looked like he was having blast… he was gleaming. The moment I felt an awkward silence, I told him I gotta go home, hadn’t been there since morning, windows open bla bla bla… when he asked if he will see me again I told him I doubt it but who knows….
I paid for my food and left… I don’t like owing anybody anything especially amuna amu Blantyre…. Atha kukutulusa pa list yama hule nkhani yake chips and chicken chapa Steers… its safe to say I wasn’t gonna post Eb as my MCM anytime soon…
After an uneventful night and being rattled by riding Eb thoughts, what was left was “dial-a-dick” you know, call in someone oti muli ndi mgwirizano wa maliseche… to come settle the dust, vacuum the moisture… catch some feelings…. Somebody I met my old fashioned way, ku turnup… ku mowa… we are each other’s bad decision we gladly repeat…