This is dedicated to all the true catholics out there and I suggest you read while comfortably seated pa ntondo waku toilet:
Hello and a wonderful Ash Wednesday to you!
It’s that time of year again our catholic friends and foes (alike) get those disgusting black dots on their foreheads in readiness for the ‘catholic Ramadhan’
What is the ‘catholic Ramadhan’ you ask?
Well, for starters they call it ‘the lent period’…I’m not going to get all ‘smarter than thou’ and attempt to decipher and analyse this very roman of all catholic rites and practices…but all you should know dear reader is that this is an epoch of time Catholics worldwide give up certain worldly pleasures in personal sacrifice to their lord Mayi maliya or something…rumour has it that this concept was designed to give the assholes and douchebags of the catholic world some chill, get all humble and shit…
But hey guess what?
The indomitable deep shits of Malawi (both male and female)..pause.. have managed to turn things around and own this serene tradition ; making it look like some foolish event organized by those panyopic folks bringing us ‘Nyassa Music awards’ or a Standard Bank function (blue mimbolo kaya amati chani kaya) i.e super duper uber pretentious!….very stupid people! …mitumbo yawo
Eyetu, back when BigDaddyBae was a student at the famed Phwezi Boys secondary school (of course paja time yina yake nalawako ku bishop mac osamayiwala eti) Lent was characterized by people giving up meat which was the fanciest dish in our weekly dining timetable, and then it was an exclusively catholic thingie….all very beautiful and quite admirable.
We hear of people undergoing discussion in whatsapp groups, kukambilana on what to give up this ‘coming lent period’ and better yet still: three quarters are not even Catholic in every definition of that adjective.
‘me I think I’ll forgo beer….ndamwa kwambiri pakati pa’
‘ine did liquor last year, I want to try kusiya something new this year….mwina sex’
Ena akuti asiya ‘gym’ , enaso akuti ‘ma carbs ’
Examples are endless and I am not exaggerating here.
What bothers me apart from people sacrificing things like pre-marital sex for only some time then going back to them with a clean conscience or forgoing one sin (like kuledzera mopusa) while clear consciously continuing with another (again: sex) all in the name serving Yahweh is that these are no doubt the same people who failed to make simple personal obligations in the name of New year’s resolutions…now barely 2 months after shitting on their resolutions they want to make a binder with G…O….D?
CHIMAKHALA CHILI CHANI?
But we here at Pabwalo get such people…and they are of two types:
Type numero uno are the ‘chieftains’ of our society: those among us who aspire to excel at everything (good or bad) in the most extreme…same person umpeza has what other people might term as an exemplary marriage but amaswaso mahule pa bwandiro like no one’s business! Talk of money, munthuyi ndiwoziwika kuti amalandira salary yowoooopsya kwambiri koma tikalowaso kunkhani zosabweza ngongole nde ndi emperor so, this guy posts bible verses on facebook but can also be found professing atheistic theories among british accented tumbukas.
Simply put anthu awa (mwambamu) ndi wovuta kwambiri…they don’t want anything to go past them. They want to be part and parcel of anything and everything in this Malawi….as long as it is associated with ‘cool oens’, nawoso apanga nawo. No wonder they do things as a block.
Type number two can simply be described as people who need rehab basi…asutasuta zamba, ku sniffa cocaine and deep fried their livers in jameson apa nkumadikilira nthawi ya lent kuti azitolere. Some even utilize the lent period to stabilize their bank account or simply use it as an excuse yomana…posafuna kugulira azinzawo mowa olo kulipilirana mahule.
I’m not saying that it should be forbidden to detoxify your narcotics ridden body during this period unless you are catholic….hell! you can do whatever you want when you want…just don’t call it lent if you are not 100% behind its philosophy and beliefs…and don’t use it as a self-marketing tool you thin-armed-but-pot-bellied bastards…