I think it is safe to say that ladies nowadays know that all ‘competent’ men are cheats. If you do not know this, amenewo ndimavuto ako. I do not have the time nor energy to lecture anyone on the primal needs of the male Homo sapiens.
That said, let us begin…
This will come as a surprise to many, but I personally prefer to be in relationships. I like to have that one bubu that I can brag about, take to movies, dinners and most importantly have unprotected sex with. Yes, yes… nothing beats the sweet taste of raw genital contact (mwaaaaaaaaaana!!). But that’s not all. Having a girlfriend means that I always have a fall back plan when my whoring endeavours eat the dust. I am basically blue-balls proof.
Cheating on a girl requires technical expertise. You see when approaching other girls with your intents, there is a need for a strategic game plan considering that she will probably be much aware of MG1. Azimayi amasiku ano amakhala ndi ma network ovuta. They know everything about you before you even meet. Ukayamba kuyala game yako ija, you must expect her to ask you about your bae. Depending on the girl, you can get ‘Don’t you have a girlfriend? ‘or ‘where is bubu’, sometimes, ‘mkazi wako watani?’, or just bluntly mention her name like ‘Ufuna So So azandimenye?’.
Look, I understand your need to acknowledge her existence. But bwanji zizithera pompo? Why must I explain my actions to you when I have made my intentions clear?
If you are not game, basi. I must move on. Nsomba zambirimbiri m’nyanjamu. Instead of having a goal driven conversation, you end up having a lecture on principles of a ‘real’ man. Real man for who? Real men have dicks and Real men actually use those dicks. I just want to get laid apa. Is it so much to ask? Ndipamene mkazi amazakufunsano ‘why don’t you just go get laid kwa bae’? Abale anzanga!! I can always go fuck bubu. Today I want your ass, not hers. Nsima ya nyemba timadya daily, lero tidyeko chipalapatsiro.
After many years of trying to perfect my cheating ways, I have come to devise three main strategies of getting past these silly queries.
The first and my personal favorite is the ‘false breakup’. Iyeyo akuziwa kale kuti you have a bae, and that you want to cheat with her. Ndiye azikufunsa the obvious? You tell her that you and bae are going through things and that you are in bad terms. You guys are indefinitely on a break or something like that. Give her some hope that she can scoop you out of your misery with her cheap makeup and slutty smile. Remember, you must play the victim here. You are hurting, and it just so happens that you are also attracted to her. Booze must be present. After she opens her legs for you, when you get home, you tell her that you have suddenly decided to work things out with bae. If you want to avoid the talk, just put your girl’s face on your DP or write some lovey dovely shit on her wall. Eyetu azimayi. This is what your men are doing. Inu kumawona ngati chikondi chabeba.
The other way to go about it is to be honest. Yes. I know girls will tell you that this is what they will prefer. If you have a girl and you just want to fuck around, tell her the truth. Akutero. Well, yes. It has worked for me on occasion. But the success rate has not been comparable to option one. Most of the ladies that I have managed to convince through this are not necessarily ‘straight’ if you know what I mean. Timahule tosalipiritsa amwene. Most are not even good looking. But yes, when a man needs a lay: a man needs a lay. Pepani guys, koma sometimes I like to take one for the team. Imagine tonse titati tisiye kunyenga madhuntu. Imagine the pain and misery that we would bring to this world. And no offense intended, but most of our mothers are fat. So you probably wouldn’t have been born.
Ok. Back to the truth..
As you can see. I am not a fan of option two. The good ones usually get away. Ati ‘ine amuna a eni ake ayi’. Are you really going to take that chance?
Then comes option number three. Pretending that you want to be her man. Yes, option 1 and 3 are both lies and kind of similar. They can in fact be mixed (done it before). What I like about option 3 is that if the girl likes you and is available, success rate is nearly 100%. Of cause she is going to play hard to get. Paja azimayi anawuzana kuti kuchinditsa day one ndi uhule. Even if they want to. The problem with option 3 is that you need to be patient and consistent with your lies. Both which I am terrible at. Worst still, the fall back after finally getting the cookie is sometimes just not worth it. Kuli ma psycho kunjaku guys. Hands down. You get a 100 missed calls, random visits at your house, fights in public, whatsApp ranting. Ish. I just can’t. The way I got tired of hearing ‘Now that you have gotten what you wanted, you are done with me’ or ‘you just wanted to use me’. Woman! Two are involved in the fucking act (at least traditionally). Iweyo sunamve nawo kukoma?
Eyetu guys. So as you can see, I have seen things. Koma uhule sindizasiya. Azimayi ndi dhilu. And mkazi wanganso ndimamufira heavy. No one can take her place.
Happy long weekend from the chief