aside BigDaddyBae vs development work

Ah! The joys of community development work…you have to experience it to accurately appreciate it.

Some outside the industry might wrongly assume that it simply involves NGO employees handing out money, services and gifts to poor people… then said NGO workers and poor people posing for a series of #service_beyond_self  besides /tikuthokoza  photos for the NGO worker and poor person respectively……kenaka NGO worker goes back to his office, steals money and buys a vee wee….

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mama i made it!

No, development work minus the stealing is not really that simple…it gets more complicated than that.

It truly is a complex field that encompasses a myriad of different disciplines and sectorial work, and each specific subdivision is underlined with its own technicalities and norms serviced by highly trained individuals specific for that turf.

So to answer your question: no dear reader, NGOs do not operate as Lilongwe ‘rot-act’ club who think development work is all about forcing their friends and mahope to pay for a totally unsexy car wash experience and a burnt Hungarian sausage (akuti hot dog)…all in the name of helping poor kids pomwe mukuthamangisa street children and beggars away from kumene mukuphyerelesa ma soseji anuwo (and muuzane you assholes; it is no longer acceptable to use the word ‘poor’ when referring to ‘vulnerable’ and ‘marginalised’ people)…

komaso pilizi chonde you should try to uphold a uniform personal hygiene standard across your ranks, ena mwama membala anuwa akumatichapira magalimoto manthongo ali m’maso komaso atavala ma leggings stained with nsete uku akununkha thukuta…zikumativuta ndithu kusiyanisa kuti wa ‘rot-act’ ndi uti ndipo wotola zinyalala pa mbowe ndi ndani…food for thought.

Let me not divert your attention any further..

What complex technicalities is Big Daddy Bae talking about here?

Well, case in point , a small portion of my work involves facilitating scholastic material (like books,pens, rulers, school uniforms) for underprivileged school going children to make sure that the lack of such material is not a factor in promoting school dropouts and low attendance rates.

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After such work has been, every three months (quarterly) my office has to incorporate this outreach in a report back to our donors, who then have to make a mission trip to all the targeted schools to verify our reports via one on one interviews with randomly selected school -child beneficiaries of the program…

Thus if it was stated in Big Daddy Bae’s report that a certain ‘Maliko Zabula’ of Khuluzu junior primary school, Wanyemba Village, Ntcheu received 17 notebooks, 4 pens and 2 rulers but when the child was interviewed by the donor agency it was realized that in actual fact the child only received 2 notebooks out of all the claimed material from Big Daddy Bae et al, then Big Daddy Bae et al are wholly and truly fucked…ndalama ya zinazo kweni kweni anapangira chani?…talk about all those suspicious weekly pilgrims to Lilongwe Coke-peat club…kibidi!

Seems straight forward donnit?

Well don’t go that fast in making that assumption…because well, for starters some vulnerable and marginalized kids can be little douchebags:

Just recently I was engaged in such a verification process, with me accompanying our donor agency officials to meeting our child beneficiaries when we chanced upon a little MOFO who not only denied receiving anything from our program but also claimed to have no recollection of ever meeting any one of our team or hearing about our project….in development terms imeneyo inali  0/10 and a serious cause for some serious investigations into our operations…matters of integrity .

Now because my job there and then was to simply accompany and direct the donors my reaction to the little prick’s allegations was limited to maintaining a fake dimple paining smile as I tried to lock eyes with the devil child kuti mwina achite manyazi yekha….but the little ass-wipe was relentless, he went on and on about how poverty was preventing him from attending classes  mpaka kuyamba kulira, at which the donors all turned ice cold against me  and started to deal with me like I was a certain disgraced ex minister…

Never in my life have I ever yearned to commit child slaughter like that day…the thoughts that were circulating my mind were straight from the deepest chambers of hell…I wanted to find the biggest cassava Ntcheu could offer, then summarily yank it multiply into the little urchin’s anus till he was coughing out kondoole, then burn his little violated body with diesel  kenaka ndikumakodzela mtembo wakewo uku ndikuyimba ‘I don’t f*ck with you! You little stupid ass bitch, I aint f*cking with you’….sigh

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‘dont let that innocent look fool you’

Praise jesus, the head teacher for the school happened to be within our proximity and had been eavesdropping on the interview, he came over and refuted all the little boy’s claims and validated what my office had reported on the services and materials rendered to the child with hard evidence viz the child’s signature after receiving materials and photos of the child posing with the materials (I was even captured in one picture; handing over a pack of notebooks to the smiling ungrateful little bastards)

Eyetu, anzanu we take pictures as proof of our work(evidence triangulation) osati kuti tipezere 56 facebook likes in record 20 minutes..

Bye!

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