Do not be in panic if you have been spotting the Biggest of daddies “Bae” in Lilongwe a bit more than usual these past weekends. I can happily confirm that I still remain a Ntcheu faithful and that my presence in the dusty capital was all business and temporary.
Yes, you can heave a sigh of relief; Pabwalo.net and all its abominations is still not permanently at your doorsteps….yet….
Anywho, it was during one of these weekends that I got super bored with my usual Lilongwe routine of pretentious drinks at my friends’ houses in which said friends invite yours truly to show off new furniture and property in the range of a new double door fridge to an E-cigarette(onyakewo okumatinyadisa ‘vaping ’)
No, I really did not feel the urge to act the role of a protégé to people who I know for sure will never be my mentors nor my financial gurus…it is with this that I extend a big ‘pantumbo panu’ shout out to all my Lilongwe friends who are ever constantly bickering to do some group business together but always fail to own up when an opportunity arises…ndikuona ngati tipeze nkhani zina zakumowa, stories zamahule zija zitha kumatitengera usiku onse, koma osati talking about ghost business deals and phantom real estate property which mpaka pano sitinaonesanebe…nyopanu
So for that weekend (it was a Saturday to be exact) I felt like sampling some cheap insecure attention starved vagina ndiye mosataya nthawi I called up my most reliable Lilongwe pussy fixer…let’s just call the nigga ‘Bison’ after my favourite character from the streetfighter video game…
Bison picked up on the fifth ring-
Bison: “yes, munthu waku Ntcheu, ndangomva kuti uli ntauni phwala iwe”
Me : “eyetu amnchimba, tili mu town mwanumu, nde ukuti bwanji aise? Tioneseni mabumbutu”
Bison: “ah ah BigDaddyBae, tikukuberekani kwambiri tu ku nkhani ya matako, muziziyimilirako panokha”
Me : “sibho, anzanutu timakhala kumudzi, komaso munthune nili nchimutu, mumatiyimilira ndinu”
Bison: “ah wayambaso kundiuza mavuto ako, stupid, what exactly are you looking for?”
Me : “I want something easy, cheap and not clingy…preferably Bardo drinking, dollar sindikulimba”
Bison: “ah nde MAG….”
Me : “iiiiiii ana aku MAGU ayi, I said something cheap, not something cheap and desperate”
Bison: “ah ndakumva, kuja kwalowadi chisawawa, olo kuti mafana aja amavala ma panti abho, ngati zili choncho , nde tiye ku CIVO aise, kuli basketball tournament”
Me : “mmmmmmmh a Bison ku Bibho tingapindule ife?”
Bison: “ mwana you don’t know what you are missing, that is a hidden gold mine of bumbu my friend”
Me : “elaborate and go deeper man of Nyere”
Bison: “iiii amwene, mahule awuku might seem high class and well cultured, but trust me sikuphweka Kwakeko, all they want is someone to buy them a sprite and some braai meat basi ukachinda..they dont drink”
Me : “ogo!! Mwatero O.G?”
Bison: “ mthiradi wawa…mbambadi dala, awa ndi mabebhi aja back in the day ku G- COLLE and Secondary anali oshupha heavy, ntchito kumangokhalira kucheza ndi ma yo ndikuonera bibho Pa court all the time, aja amazitenga nyunyu from the ATL movie, pano nde their social lives zina Ngomatilira mu bibho momwemu, ma yo ankawafunawo anakwatira kwatira timachildren Iwowa mbolo ikumawasowa,moti I suspect kuti they still watch Bball to catch glimpses of Penises bulging up and down in basketball shorts magaye akamasewera”
Me : “nde mwati zofunikira ndi sprite ndi chiwamba basi?”
Bison: “amwene olo mtedza ndi mthochi man, these bitches aint choosy”
Me : “ nde zabobho, come pick me up in 20, ndingosamba, koma madam ndi mfana ali bho pa den?”
Bison: “Wifey ali bho man, mfanaso ali sharp, ndipo amakukambatu, muzawaona liti?”
Me : “Man tiyeni tipange kaye uhule, nditha kuzawaona mawa…ma comz ndinyamuliretu?”
Bison: “ah easy ndikugayila anga….ok later man”
So I quickly bathed and changed, just as soon as I was done, Bison came through and we were off.
We got to CIVO (basketball court side) , lo and behold!! Before me was a tenaciously organized community, everyone strategically positioned by way of where they were sitting watching the game:
We had the OGs, two groups actually, first a couple of guys okuti ankatha bibho kalelo pa nthawi yawo but are now civilized and earn a little money, these were sprinkled mostly around the exit/entrance points to the stands, busy chilling with their braai stands and cooler boxes full of castle light, mafana awo ali mmapewa…
Then there were the other OGs: nawoso ankathaso bibho time yawo, koma bibho inawafoyilisira gele yawo, mmalo mokasova tsado ankakashuta ma 3 pointer, still living with mom and dad, magaye ovalabe ndolo ndi ma sweatpants chifungo cha brut deodorant chili uku. These were everywhere hitting on every available girl, trying to impregnate again I guess sigh..
Also present were the basketball power couples, busy looking all cozy together like no gender based violence happens between them behind closed doors…the wife/girlfriend spotting yet another red eye but laughing and talking loudly like she don’t need YONECO or police victim support unit to come save her ass.
A couple of college kids here and there, in their Golden State Warriors jerseys, talking about Steph-curry and D-wade in their phony American accents which usually disappear just after they discover the realization that being a basketball buff never got anyone laid and that there is joy at the bottom of a chibuku packet.
And of course there were the cheap whores I was promised,….the whole nine of them…the resident cheerleaders, shouting and singing profusely as to catch attention from anyone new (like myself) kuti iwowo amaziwana ndi madolo abibhowo and that they are cool.
I collected the six pack of sprite I had procured along the way to use as bait and proceeded to their direction to set my trap…but as I reached where the prostitutes were positioned dancing and cheering the game on…one of the ear-ringed OGs suddenly came in front of me, blocking my access to the sluts…
He hungrily glanced at my sprite six pack, then my penis area, (also hungrily ) to which point I spun my heel and took my exit….i didn’t feel like getting raped for a sprite six pack by a 6’7 mothafucka with an ear ring…the cheap harlots were not that worth it
End of story