It was a fine day, everything had been going according to my usual Friday routine:
1. get off/thawira from work around half day,
2. go dikiza lunch at my old Bishop Mackenzie schoolmate Isaac Mkangama’s house (by the way if still in doubt over my Bishop Mackenzie claims you can call and ask him yourself on +265999180877),
3. Go leave my work things at home and change into something comfortable,
5. Go in search of the day’s preferred poison
6. Meet up with the Ntcheu homeboys and commence drinks,
8. If still possessing energy repeat number 7
It was when I was at stage number 6 (as indicated above) that I decided to fish out my cellular smart phone (which is waterproof by the way… thanks for wondering) to divert my mind from the ‘Bengo jokes’ that characterize much of Ntcheu Boma beer hall banter .
So I inserted my phone password and quickly went into my Whatsapp application and started going through my whatsapp contacts and groups to check if anybody had posted something worth arousing my interest, but alas, salvation from boredom would not be provided by Whatsapp-it was the same Bengo jokes peppered with a few inappropriate nudes going around my family, secondary school alumni and work groups, a couple of pathetic ‘hellos’ and ‘hey you’ from girls who still couldn’t get it around their sad existence that nothing serious was going to emerge from our previous one night hook up…so yup, Whatsapp was a drag.
I then proceeded to enter into facebook and quickly went into a rampage of liking and commenting on people’s posts lest they think that I am jealous of their new Bae, accepting ‘Save the date’ invites left-right and center uku ndikuyang’ana atsikana owoneka ochindika mophweka ku ‘People you may know’ and friend suggestions to send friend requests to..
Then I stumbled upon a sponsored post from a page called Key essentials who at first glance I thought were talking about historic figures since they had pictures of Thomas Sankara, Julius malema, Ernesto che Guevara etcetera, all wearing Berets and Big Daddy Bae being the history buff that he is got interested and settled himself to read what the post was all about.
I won’t bother you with specifics but I have attached screenshots of said post below, but in any case they started well, talking about the significance of berets among revolutionary figures yada yada yada
I was sold; they had me right until they proposed that people nominate two Malawians (1 male, 1 female) that they (Key Essentials) should present with a beret each as a token of recognition of their valiant work for the Malawian nation…akuti #celebratingourchampions, what champions?in my opinion whatever champions this country ever had are all dead and appear on our bank notes or lend their names to our football stadia and city land marks…komaso tiphunzisaneko 2 mins inayake a Malawi about the intended use of the Hashtag (#), singini yomangoyika paliponse ngati ma condom akuchipatala.
Tell me what two individuals from our corrupt, CDF thieving and Ford fortuner chauffeured politicians can be put in the same sentence as Che Guevara or Samora Machel? And having a messy beard doesn’t count.
These must be clearly some overenthusiastic 19 year old history or social science majors who have clearly copied the written material from someplace else and figured that they could solicit and savage some desperately needed likes and comments from the buffoon portion of our population, just enough likes to make them sleep at night and forget their treacherous MAGU girlfriends.
But I read on anyway,
It got worse,
They then proceeded to graciously inform all those interested in owning these “struggle berets” to call certain numbers based in Blantyre, Lilongwe and (drumroll) Ngabu… they said freaking Ngabu(you know our country’s third most important city) and that the price for each of these glorious berets (handmade and woven by the Kardashian sisters) is MK12,500…insert shocked face here….
I was like ‘Nde mnchindo wanji uwu?’(translated in the Queen’s language as WTF), yes people , each of these berets has an MSCE certificate and comes with a complimentary hand job…hence the ridiculous price…more expensive than a Gaba cap, TMT Cap or a Pabwalo tshirt (which is only at MK6500, Call Big Daddy Bae on 0996109377 in Ntcheu for details or if you just wanna smash)
But I decided to have a little fun with these Henry Kachajes and started trolling them as seen in the screenshot below
They then proceeded to have the last say and then blocked me
I was like: very mature guys!
But nobody has the last say on BDB and then blocks him
So this very immature article is about you Key essentials, kumnyero kwanu
Ndipo ma beret akumachende ngati amenewo mpaka 12.5? anthu azivalira kuthako kwanuko?
Muli machende peya peya uko kumasilira zipewa za azilonda akwanu ndikumanunkhiza a business opportunity, osakangopereka quotation ku G4S bwanji?
Ine ndimaona ngati mulemba zenizeni but instead of serious things people wanna sell berets..SMH
This is why we are fucking your MAGU girlfriends.
Nde nkumandiblockanso, nditha kukugwiriliranitu, mxieuw, mapwala afisi wo..
Simukuziwa kuti Bushiri and Jessie kabwila amavala kale ma beret wa? Basi mukufuna tonsefe tigule zimenezo tikhale tonse ma major 1 just to grant you goat fuckers a wide profit margin?