aside Nabetha the Vampire Slayer…part 1

It is 01:00 hrs dead in the silent Ntcheu night, Big Daddy Bae has been awake for close to an hour now; the discomfort owing to the heat and mosquito bites is what roused him from slumber earlier on.

A three quarters full Carlsberg green bottle stands on a stool nearby by the side of his bed, left unattended.

Not so long ago he had been jiving and gallivanting around Uncle B with a couple of his Ntcheu mates,

vamps 4

all trying to escape the reality of the new Malawi: there has been neither running water nor electricity for the past 23 hours (and counting)

For the sake of recharging their mobile devices Big Daddy Bae and his entourage had resorted in seeking refuge at the most reliable joint with a running Gen set and an assorted collection of prostitutes:

Hello Uncle B Nightclub, Restaurant and Rest house; management will charge your phones and laptops as you simultaneously plug in your shafts into harlots of your choosing to charge your very own personal biological god given ‘batteries’…you know what I’m talking about.

Anyhow, the crew had religiously held vigil at this very well-known respected institution up until the D.J announced that they would be shutting down the dance floor and bar sections of the place as they could no longer afford to refuel the generator that was powering the sound machine and refrigerators…the gen set had been running for a good 21 hours till then.

Thus Big Daddy bae and his squad quickly recovered their electronic devices (fully charged now) and each got one(beer)for the road before beckoning the ever-faithful Jiva to come ferry each one of them to their respective homes simultaneously.

Big Daddy Bae had arrived home, got into the dark house and started clambering around for matches and candles to light up but to no avail, mice had devoured his last candle and all what was left of it was the string from whence the light burns.

Then with the aid of his phone torch he had decided to search for anything ready to eat but both the refrigerator and the pantry detained nothing worth risking an upset stomach over.

So hence he took one last swig of his Carlsberg green then proceeded to undress for bed.

But here he was now, barely two hours into his sleep he had woken up feeling hot, itchy and sweating profusely…so Big Daddy Bae just lay there in the pool of his own sweat too tired to fend off the sweltering mosquitoes away…he repeatedly cursed himself for not restocking on insect repellent spray.


Suddenly the hush and calmness of the condition is disturbed by a loud eerie sound emanating from his mobile phone placed adjacent to the beer bottle on the stool few feet away

‘Che patuma! Aye che patuma!…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH ah ah

It is his new ringtone, who could be calling him so late and for what purpose?

Dreading the worst, he scrambles for the phone and in turn knocks off the beer bottle which spills its entire contents to the floor, with itself in tow…

Cursing loudly he finally locates the phone, wipes off spilled beer off it and then answers it without even checking who is calling from the caller Identification displaying erratically on the phone screen…

BDB: Hello…kodi ndi yani

…..there is silence on the other end

BDB: ndi ndani kodi? Nde mukuyimbiranji ngati simuruyankha?

…more silence, some heavy breathing, then suddenly a familiar female voice:

Greetings in the name of the most high! Blessed, king of kings, Lion of the tribe of Judah! Jah!!! Rastafari

It is non other than Nabetha

Big Daddy Bae suddenly jolts up, it’s been 6 months since Nabetha and him corresponded..

BDB: ah empress! Mulipo? Mwasowatu

Nabe: ndilipo rasta, mwasowa ndinu, nangomva kuti munapeza ka bae kanyowani, mwina nkamene kaku pasani ma busy….

BDB: mmmmmmmmh nabe, ndiza m’maluwa zimenezo, olo atakhalapo iwetu ndinetu paja ndi machesi ndi fodya..we belong 2geza even if nzowononga moyo

Nabe: koma Daddie, simunasiyebe nthabwala eti….anyway….muli kuti?

BDB: Pa den basi…nnakaluma uwiri pa uncle B, nde genset yawoso yatha mafuta, nde basi kusewera ndi udzuzu..

Nabe: Mwavala chani?

BDB: Aaaaaa iwe Nabe, tazikhala serious, ukuti bwanji kodi?

Nabe: iyayi daddie mwavala chani? Tangondiuza, nzofunikira iwe

Big Daddy Bae now thinks Nabetha has just newly discovered phone sex so he decides to play along…might as well keep his mind occupied away from the blasted mosquitoes and fervent heat

BDB: Ndili bwamuswe, mbulanda ine, ndipo ndato……

Nabe: iyayi zototazo ndi zako, ineyo ndili hape kuti ukumagona mbulanda basi…kunjaku kwasintha…ma Blyte saka sakucheza..zopopa magazizi sizili welo

BDB: Iwe nde kuyimba ndikuyimbirana usiku nkhani zake zizikhala izi?

Nabe: mmmmmh rastaman mafilu anutu timasungilabetu,nthawi iyi ndifonika mabwenzi kumazondana ndi mmene anenera pa Luka 14 verse 28 kuti….

BDB: a iwe nabetha chabwino, point taken…koma iweyo uli bwanji ndipo uli kuti?

Nabe: zonse zili khenge man, apa ndili ku Chiradzulo ku mudzi kwamasteni, atsibweni anatiyitanisa tonse kuti tizizathandizana kuteteza mudzi wathu kwa opopa magazi, yathu ija, ife paja akwathu sitimayilora

BDB: ah ah! Owo?

Nabe: Mbambadi daddie!…udolo wanga kupanga spot anapopa magazi wachita kufika mpaka pauchisilu

BDB: Ogo!
Nabe: ndukuuzani bae, mmoti dzulo zuloli nnagwira anamapopa ena ake koma awawa ndi a special, akumangofuna magazi atiwana tokha tokha, akuti ndi a Suck the children international…kulitu magulumagulu…

Stay tuned for part 2



  1. ha ha ha ,i like the way you see the world – Malawi andNtcheu to be extra specific but you always see it through sex eyes but that is you Mpambira .But i enjoy reading your articles I wish I could.write as good


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