aside Pabwalo Music Awards…by BigDaddyBae

Attention

Selections of contestants and winners for the Pabwalo Music Awards AKA ma PMAs (pronounced pi-maz) were made through bias, scorn, regionalism and favoritism. All entries and results in every category were carelessly examined by Big Daddy Bae and his highly incompetent team of drunks…nde tineneretu ife si ma gemu okha amene timatha, ndeu so timathaso kusewera ena akafuna(ask around), nde sizo mandiophyeza olo kumayankhula manyi kumbali if you feel this most irrelevant piece of literature has ‘khuzad’ you in one way or the other…its high time some of you looked up the word ‘satire’ in the dictionary and stopped having disillusions of being personally targeted by me or the Pabwalo establishment (we have only ever truly targeted one entity here and that’s magaye a Key essentials, ndipo matako awo)

Moving on…

We here at Pabwalo Entertainment network have so callously observed the several attempts made by different assemblages of entrepreneurs to decorate and celebrate our local singers and songstresses in the name of music awards while also making an extra kwacha or two through ticket sales and corporate endorsements…ndizabobho

I guess the MBC classic ‘Entertainers of the year’ lacks pluralism and does not appeal to our torn jeans and Air-max wearing generation…so the floodgates have been opened; any Dick and Vitumbiko can come up with their own list of cliché categories, usher in nominees, make a deal with a mobile network company to facilitate SMS voting, bring in some B-list celebrities to perform at the awards event and walla! MK800,000 yaulere …don’t you just love Nyasaland?

Anyhow, so we the good folks at Pabwalo.net decided to marshal in our own version of Music awards with the difference that we are not earning anything from this endeavor and not pressuring any artist to spend their valuable airtime in voting for themselves (enawa paja asanduka nazo ma Airtel agent zomwezi kuti azitha kumazivotela mochuluka bwino)

…komaso our list of winners and nominees though predominantly made up of musicians is also made up of other socialites and local celebrities not in the music industry…tina ‘pi-ma’ mbali zonse zonse ndithu…see what I did there?

Tiyeni nazo:

Best Hair and Midlife crisis in a Music Video
Do we even need other nominees in this category? Y’all know who I’m talking about here, congratulations to this fast approaching 40 (years of age) gentleman. We would like to salute you for the courage plus originality in pushing hair boundaries for all middle aged men in Malawi. But on a serious note adha wa has worked hard this year, not only on his hair but also in providing us with classy entertainment and gaffes…continue flying the Malawi flag high sir…ena onse achepa

awards tay
FYI he showed who the real AWILO is ku Sandfest

Shabby musician of the year
Nominees: Nepman, Nyasa B, Mafo, Faith Mussa
Winner: Nepman
Akuluwa achepeseko kachasu and begin to consider personal hygiene as a marketing strategy, otherwise we all notice akakhala kuti ‘Wadusa pompa’…we can all very well smell him…the other nominees simply have zinkhope za u trad but otherwise it is Nepman who singles himself out as the real ‘Non-bafa’ of them all…congratulations Nepman, you win a monthly supply of Geisha.

awards nep
tha real non bafa

Childish Musician of the year
Nominees: Tech Dali, Blasto, Physix
Winner: Physix
First and foremost this guy calls himself Captain Bae when he is not even related to Big daddy Bae, zauchisiru zimenezo. Blasto only looks like a child but he actually is quite mature, trophy inakapita kwa Tech Dali BUT HE NEVER WINS ANYTHING, so cholapisachi goes out to our very own married banker with swagger who needs to grow up and stop hanging out with little f*ck boys around town, siyani kupita kuma befide a ma 17 year old baba.

awards pys
Not part of the ‘Bae’ CLAN

Biggest Musician beer beggar (it was very hard to phrase this one but just know ndi ya celeb wokonda kupempha Mowa
Nominees: Hyphen (Artist formerly known as Young Kay), Martse, Kell kay
Winner: Martse
This one was a bit tricky, but as far as Hyphen and Kell kay use their perceived good looks and u celeb to solicit free drinks from fans and sugar mummies alike, Big Daddy Bae and crew agreed that Martse has never ever been spotted pa counter buying booze or talking accounts with a waiter…if it wasn’t for music this guy could have made a great namaskin..congrats martse , katenge umodzi pa Gutter’s bar and restaurant ku area 13 pa tab ya Big Daddy Bae.

aaaa
Sagula mowa

Fat musician of the year
Nominees: Lucius banda, Gwamba, Blak Jak
Winner: Gwamba
Tough one, but indeed uncle Gwamba has been ‘blessed’ with a little more than acceptable addition of stomach this year…it seems he is chowing too much of those ‘Major scones’ if you ask me…auzeni ma bodyguard anuwo azikumenyesaniko ma set baba..

awards gwa
Fat one

Sexiest Musician of the year
Nominees: Hazel mak, Sangie, Bossaro Cyclone, Sangie, and that sexy police woman wa pa area 3 uja
Winner: Sangie…of course, the whole nation agrees that munthu uyu sangawawase olo dontho…Bossaro cyclone was included as a joke FYI, Hazel Mak tries too hard, komaso azisekerelako muzinthunzi

awards sang
ako

Best couple
Nominees: Hazel + Nate, Bossaro Ice + Bossaro cyclone, Namadingo + whoever he is pusisaling now
Winner: Hazel + Nate
By default the only legit celebrity couple in Malawi, the rest of the nominees tinangoyikirapo jokes chabe lol

Best underdog
Nominees: Home Grown Music, George Kalukusha, Big Daddy Bae (eya ndimayimbaso), Bossaro Cyclone, Nyasa B
Winner: Bossaro Cyclone
Only Nigga I know who looks like a dog…a Labrador to be precise

Best desper
Nominees: Physix, tech dali, mabilinganya, Being benji
Winner: they all win equally! Ma desperado onse!
Congratulations to all winners and our nominees…mumatinyekhulira bwino nonse

BigDaddyBae out

 

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