Moni nonse. Zikomo.
As usual, if any of this is similar to your experience, then hell yes I am talking about you. That is the disclaimer, paja anthu inu nkhwidzi zanu and your self-absorbed personalities always think we target a certain group of people kenaka muzizitenga personal. Y’all need to remove your heads out of your anuses and smell the fresh air, learn to just take things as they are. Iya. Osamatinyasapo apa.
Anyway, where was I before I was rudely interrupted by the urge to vent? Oh yeah, I was rejected. One thing you should know about me is that I am a predator and a bully, why do I even have to remind you, you all know my story with young nigga. I hunt and bully some guys to get what I want, usually sex. I mean come on, you don’t have to date everyone just so you can have sex, ine zimenezo nde ndimadana nazo.
Some of these relationships and “Bae Goals” you see parading themselves on WhatsApp statuses and Instagram are just two people who have great sex and nothing else. Samacheza, sapangana support anything, samatukulana, they just have sex, enjoy it and now they are each other’s MCM and WCW.
Ine nde ayi, anthu enaake umangofunika uwabhonze, basi. I see something I like sexually, I go after it. Sikuti m’mene ndanena chonchimu ndiye kuti basi I fuck everything in pants… Paja enanu mukawerenga chonchi mumagundika in my inbox with your advances and dick pics. No, I wont fuck you. I am a tab bit picky. Believe me, I can khwatcha a guy if he so much as picks his nose and is displaying suspicious behavior of where he puts his mphonongolo after that. Small things throw me off so pofika kufuna kumubonza munthuyo, amakhala kuti ndamufunadi.
Enter Squash guy.
Maybe you did not know, but I play squash and I am quite good. That is one of my non-alcohol or sex related extra curricular activities that I am supper proud of. After work I play squash at one of these sports clubs in Blantyre, to blow off some steam and remain physically fit. Its 2017 people, find something to keep your body active apart from getting excited over memes and other people’s scandals on social media. You can get excited over Pabwalo articles though, that’s allowed.
Anyway, its usually the same ass people there; the bored husbands who want to stay away from home as much and as long as possible to get home when food is already prepared, the fake born agains who play squash to release frustrations and hopefully find a marriage partner there, the ones addicted to being good at everything so akangomva kuti kuli squash koma iyayi ayesele… same old people. Timadziwana.
So I was shocked this other day to find this new guy come in with one of the regulars. I was the only girl that day so I have to admit it was tough playing it cool by not staring at him like a piece of bacon. He was not really my type but maybe because he was new, he just caught my eye. Mumadziwa when new meat arrives at an event or turn up, or even church, PHUMA to eat the meat first… a lot of scenarios play in your head, is he married? Nope, no ring. Maybe wavula, nope, no wedding band tan. Does he have a girlfriend? Aaah, who cares, its not like they are married. How big is his penis? Mmmm, loose shorts (starts looking for other signs like shape yachipumi to determine how big it is).
Nde ine sindichedwa, I went to ask the regular he came with kuti dzina lake ndi ndani and for the purpose of this article, lets call him squash guy. Squash guy wasn’t chatty and he didn’t even come to say hi so naturally I felt some typa way. Aah amwene, I was the only girl there and nigga didn’t even come to say hi? nde chani? Gay or what?
Since he didn’t say anything I asked the regular if squash guy was planning on coming again. There is nothing frustrating as forgetting to get a number yamunthu you like and never meeting them again… sindimapanga ine zimenezo, you can turn into a psychopath or stalker. If you like someone, ask for contacts, mukumva?
I was told he would come again next day so I relaxed but I also didn’t concentrate that day.I kept showing off and I lost all games. Fast forward to the next day. I arrived super early waiting for Squash guy. And there he was; nigga didn’t even say hi, again. This time I went over to say hi. We chit chatted for a bit then I asked for his number, my reasons were that I should add him to the Squash players WhatsApp group for information and other notices. When I got home I added him to the group and he thanked me privately via text then we began chatting, the usual.
Now, my go conversation is about movies, when someone I like asks me what I am doing ndimayankha kuti I am watching a movie or series even when I am cooking or taking a shit so that they should ask what I am watching and then I pick the obvious good ones so that they should ask what else I have so that I should show off and then they should ask kuti I should share them which guarantees that we will meet outside squash or work or turn up which is usually HOME. Yes, you get the idea… when I get them home then basi abonzedwa ameneyo. And what do you know, he did exactly that.
The days before he could come to my place to get movies we were chatting, sending each other memes and shit like that. During this time, I learned that he had a girlfriend but I wasn’t looking to step in and replace her, I just wanted to fuck him… even once abale. So even if he would go on and on about her, ine my eyes were on the prize… besides, sometimes he would text me first out of the blue just to send a meme or chat so I wasn’t all that instigating and the bad guy here. Pitani uko with y’all judgement all MG1s out there. Zanu.
The first day he came kwathu was all innocent, we chatted for like 3 hours and nothing happened. Nigga literally left my punane throbbing and he did not show any sign of coming on to me despite myself trying minor things to initiate something. Second time, he returned cause he had brought a smaller device before and left some stuff. Same story, nothing happened.
Now here is what bothered me. All the time after doing nothing he would go home and text kuti “had a hard-on the whole time”, “uzabhonzedwa one day” and we would flirt. Nde zinayamba kundibhowa cause he knew what I wanted at that point (I had told him). Cause eventually he would ask to come over and not for movies but to chat basi and sometimes I would start things but nothing would happen.
So the next day he came after chatting for another three hours, began his exit to leave like, “tichezenso mawa”, I was like “aaah, I think not”. “Ngati kunoko umabwera kuzacheza basi know that I have enough friends. I am not looking for a friend, alipo ambiri, I am not looking for a boyfriend either, I wanna fuck. So if you don’t, then I don’t think you should be coming here. Next time you decide to come here, just know that you are here to fuck.”
I think I shocked him there, koma I was tired of him leaving me with pink balls every time and calling out his name when jerking off. Enough was enough. I was so consumed by him, my game was off, I was blowing off people who actually wanted to do me, so yeah, I played hard ball. Squash guy said he would never come again and he had no intentions of doing me.
I slept on my bed that night feeling angry and sorry for myself, kuti ndalakwa chani ineyo? Was I too forward? Was it the girlfriend? Was I not sexy? Oh sure, I may be a ten but goddamn mpaka kukana kundifaking’a? What the fuck?
I still carried on going to squash. We still continued chatting here and there. I did not want to show him kuti zinandikhuza so I put on my brave face and and I wore it good. You know what, I was gonna be fine.
There came a time when we had a one-to-one squash game and I beat him tremendously. We laughed about it. Got me thinking that maybe I could use a squash friend basi. He wasn’t all that bad. Tinakanidwa basi, I got rejected.
But then I got a sudden text from him that same day, kuti he was outside my gate. And I did say the day he decides to come kwathu would be to fuck so I stood there, all sweaty and my mind racing. Deciding the quickest way I could shower “maybe I wasn’t rejected after all…”.