Oh dear me, its a bloody new year! Everyone is out here making declarations of becoming someone new but by March we will have the old shitty you back and you will most likely have the same job, same tutor, same car, same house, same wife, same dog(boyfriend), same dog (real dog). Pretty much same everything.
I’m looking forward to what 2018 has in store for us in terms of trends and shit we Malawians get excited about. 2017 had the “bossaro”, “eyetu” craze, not forgetting that chap who was in New York Times square talking about 3rd world malawian problems(Big Daddy Bae said something to the extent of him being some sort of failed Ghetto rapper….??…but i digress). Osamaphweketsa! Can’t do this list without man’s not hot can I? yes that song we all forced brains to memorize so that we would not feel left out anzathu amakapanga recite mu ma Dusk mu(2+2 is 4-1 that’s 3, quick mafs!) a big percentage of us hardly know whats going on in that song or why we find it funny..but nzabobho.
And then someone by the name of one Mwiza Chavura tried to kick start the 2018 craze list with his stupid song about raping females and feeling good about it. As expected, the feminists were out in full force against him. Here is a man who gave women in this country another opportunity to use bug words and phrases like “misogynistic”, “sadistic” “all men in Malawi this and that” in their timelines cholinga ife tiziziluma kuno.
I can’t believe that’s how far people are willing to go for fame. Certainly this Mwiza Chavura guy’s song is a problem but I can see it being played as a sort of joke song in certain parties kutsogoloku and its not right. And as usual with Malawian problems we will deal with it in the most Malawian way which is talk about it on social media and then forget about it like it didn’t even exist.
But anyway moving on, another wild thought in typical pabwalo.net fashion.
On 1st January this year I thought of entering the new year with a bang!! If you know what I mean. I called up one of these ya pheku pheku to make a plan with at my boy’s crib. Ya pheku pheku is basically that chicken that you find in shoprite that’s already marinated and everything so umangoyiponya mu grill. No hassle, no hardwork. So put that in context of a girl yeah. Two glasses of wine and she is all over you opanda kutsitsa mfundo.
She pulled through as expected and I did the shenanigans and everything but I ejaculated inside her which is always my downfall. I thought I left that shit in 2017 tho. Fuck me. Anyway I told her I will organize a pill for her tomorrow. Thing is, I forgot and she had to do it herself and in so doing sent a text that contained the words “you should be a man”.
Which got me thinking, what is “being a man”? Is it the ability to fight? To hammer in an argument maybe? Ndi chani kweni kweni? I was baffled really cause I thought being a man was all about wearing pants. Pictures of great men started flashing through my head real quick. But some of these great men have ejaculated in women before so it doesn’t really click.
So I did what I do best. I Googled how to be a man. Silly huh? Fuck off.. Wikihow had these five things 1. Know yourself, 2. Be knowledgeable about something 3. Know when you’ve made a mistake and when to say sorry 4. Know the man-code and 5. Let go of self destructive thoughts. Not one sentence said “don’t forget to buy Margaret her after-morning pills” . I did say sorry though.
Happy new year people. I wish for happiness in your life this year.