aside Keep Calm and Fuck a Bottle.

Oh yes, another year, another bottle.

Forget that a vagina probably gave birth to my vagina and a whole lot of other vaginas. Forget that it is dark. Forget that the vagina was so wet, I could hear the “myakati nyakati sound of wetness” to the point of grossing you out instead of turning you on. I did not even see that anavala mikanda until a friend of mine pointed out that she was wearing mikanda because I was distracted by her myakati-ness. Forget the dirty surroundings, I was expecting a cockroach to appear or one of her kids to knock. Forget that maleveni aja should probably be called ma fifteen than ma leveni and lets focus on use of these bottles for pleasure just for a minute, shall we.

I have a sex toy by the way; let me just put it out there, best thing that has ever happened to me besides natural hair believe me. I am not shy about it, I do not regret it, hell, just thinking about that toy and what it does is making me wet right now, will be all myakati nyakati in a minute, cowering in my wetness.

First time I used it I fell off the bed because I had never had an orgasm like that under 40 seconds. I mean, I attempted to shoot a video like the cocopina bottle woman but I couldn’t concentrate… that is the only thing that makes me question these bottles if they are indeed that good…if it was me and my toy, I could have forgotten there was a camera there, probably broken my phone with orgasm spasms.

The thought of it going round and round in my  vagina that feels like a thousand fingers playing with my clit with different settings is making me wanna go home and switch it on right now. But I probably should go buy triple A batteries at K650 each and my toy requires 4 of them… hella pricey overall so maybe a bottle doesn’t seem like a bad idea.

Well, a cocopina or cocacola bottle is not your regular dildo but so what if it does the job? I mean all those women we have seen with bottles and bananas enjoyed it, eti? No? Inu amamva kukoma ameneaja, Quivering with nyere akaona botolo.

Nyere and a sexually liberated person are a combination that is unstoppable. Women, even men who are in touch with their sexual side are fascinating creatures. They walk different, they sit different, you just look at them and can tell kuti angakome. Ndunama? Iyayi, simahule… alekeni. Those women and their bottles or bananas are not crazy or ogundika or possessed by demons, its simply nyere and them doing something about it. People who are dancing will always appear as lunatics to someone who cannot hear the music. Not unless we understand the feeling we get from those few seconds of an orgasm or what that bottle does, all those women including me and my toy are plain crazy.

There is something about having the best sex or orgasm of your life that just turns you into a raving lunatic searching for that feeling or something close to it. But of course when you have seen the ocean a mere river is never enough, and when you have an orgasm, sex without it IS NOTHING. One of my crazy friends even said sex with a condom does not count as sex… boyilo basi ndiye sex kwa iwe. Nde winawe having sex with this guy with a rubber uzizitama kuti munabhozana… LOL… Ukutaya nthawi. We all have preferences on what constitutes as the best and as much as we settle for less than the best, we will always be drawn to it.

Women are drawn to phallic objects whether subconsciously or not, we are drawn to things that resemble penises and penis heads. That is why most of women’s products including make up are shaped like penises. Sex does sell. It is a marketing strategy that works. Kim Kardashian’s blender and brush thingie looks like a penis. Google it. I mean just go through your handbag and check, your lipstick looks like a penis, your make up sponge thingie looks like a penis head, hell even the shapes of body sprays and roll ons look like penises. It’s a big hit in marketing women’s products because deep down women crave penis all the time. Any other day I would reach into my purse, pull out any matte liquid lipstick and fuck myself but they trust us not to, right? Right? Right. Southern Bottlers trusts us not to fuck those bottles maybe that’s why we are seeing these plastic ones. Lol

Shake your head, disagree all you want but if nothing including periods, religious bodies, culture, STDs, pregnancy, fuckboys, small penises, regret, ridicule didn’t exist, you as a woman would probably be riding a penis right now, hell, We walk around holding and carrying mini penises all day long to appease those urges. EVERY WOMAN WANTS DICK.

I wont waste time explaining why some women are always in denial or never want to admit they love sex and penis but I certainly wont judge cocacola and cocopina ladies… they probably just wanted Coc (k) that very minute and it wasn’t there and they used something close to it… whatever shape, bola it should do the job.

I’m telling you, there is something about pleasuring yourself that feels so damn liberating and good. No body will ever touch you and do you the way YOU DO YOU, facts. If you do not know how to get pleasure, nobody is going to give it to you other than the basics.

People out there getting basic pleasure and raving about it to their friends; “Oh my God, akandiyamwa bele I feel heaven” Ena ndiye just cause majority of their friends have expressed how doggy style is the best, basitu, nawonso ndiye koma bola doggy style when all it does it hurts your vagina. When we all know missionary is God’s gift to sex but iyayi yamakolo… oh well. But how would you know sucking your middle toe makes you see heaven, how would you know anal would make you see heaven?

Jesus! Mpaka Anal? But no, God didn’t make the anus for sex, right? But your man outchea getting fucked in the ass or probably fucks some guy in the same anus and we are all in denial. Oh  But the same God made the clitoris strictly for pleasure and most men aren’t even obsessed with it the way they get obsessed with ass and boobs when that is the key to making a girl cum. Right? Right? Right? You are lucky if you meet a guy who so much as touches it right.  Aaah, iyayi, that girl has ass, as if flicking the ass makes you cum. OMG I love  her boobs as if bouncing and squeezing them will make you cum… these guys are obsessed with what works for them and not you, at the end of the day, they are having a jolly good time squeezing you boobs, smacking your ass, cumming and you are left with your pussy throbbing and reaching for a cocopina bottle.

And No, those girls who so confidently say they cum with penetration are liars, it means they have never had an orgasm with the clit. ITS THERE SPECIFICALLY FOR THAT REASON. Reach down into your pants, touch your nyemba and feel it. Before you start feeling like okugundika, stupid, insane, crazy and starting thinking ndiye bola I should get a man, take a breath, touch it slowly and if you start twitchting and feeling weird, you are on the right track, go on and see what happens next. I only come with penetration my ass… You don’t know what you like and chances are you have never had an orgasm. You just like the feeling of dick like any other banana, cocacola, cocopina, dildo woman out there.

Ena amagundika ma comment m’ma group; “why not just find a man” “koma mpaka botolo” “satana” what what… paja yathu ija, just blaming satan in everything gory and confusing. I mean why engage a man when all you want to two minutes thirty three seconds to get rid of an urge? Nobody, not even you should keep you from having that orgasm mukumva?  We all just need a sex shop here, let you all see what happens next…



  1. Love love love the brutal truths here. About time women in Malawi could explore their bodies more than they go to church. They will actually thank God more for things that matter like a clitoris for example. Also can women start to openly question why the law here won’t let us have a sex toy shop? Why are men still controlling our sexuality by saying sex toy shops are illegal and whatever that law says. I tried to open one and I was told its illegal but come one we are in the 21st century for clits sake!!!!

    Always a good read! Well done!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rightttttt? I need s sex shop.
      And by the way… the penis….amazing creature…. my vibrator ….. they haven’t made a word I can use to explain it yet….. mmmmmmmm


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