aside BigDaddyBae and UTM

There is a new sexually transmitted infection in town!

It’s called…(wait for it)…UTM!

URINARY TRACT MOVEMENT…get it? …Funny no?…………….anyhow…

As with all things sexually transmitted, the biggest carriers are women, who then infect their husbands in turn introducing this bacteria to their side chicks, then onwards to ‘madolo’ antauni and that’s how a movement is born ladies and gentlemen…we should blame the wives really, if they hadn’t let themselves be seduced by ‘sideburns’ on a light skinned nicca

Mashalubu koma awa

sibwenzi anthu mumabanja mu akuvutika chonchi: kugula zipewa, ma berete, nsalu ndi zinzake…

All just to make sure they receive a couple of comments, likes and hearts on their carefully posed pictures on FB,insta and Whatsapp statuses…(the pictures are usually characterized by brainwashed clueless looking husbands taking selfies in the car with their virus-carrying wives all in full UTM gear…which unsurprisingly has become the newest way to remind your friends and family kuti “mama and I” tili ndi Toyota voxy or VW etcetera, the UTM gear is really just camouflage)

what we see when couples post photos of them in UTM gear…

Mind you, the Biggest of daddies (Bae) has nothing against UTM or anything else sexually transmitted for that matter, awa ndi matenda okuti aliyese ndi amake atha kudwala and it’s completely futile to hold grudges or have stigma against because sooner or later it can hit closer to home…go figure!

But why this whole hullabaloo and much ado about this UTM?

The answer is simple and straightforward: fanz ikuti yatopa ndi nsima

Nsima from chimanga folo

This Nsima akuti instead of nourishing the Malawi nation with rightful nutrients and energy for growth and good health has instead been depleting the nation of all its vitamins and muscle for the past four years leaving the nation skinny and sinewy….

nde achinyamata akuti atopa ndi nsima yopereka njala yi and now every young n hip person is busy sleeping around spreading this UTM or increasing its viral load in their bodies…Mabhoyilo are at least now counting for something.


But what about the other alternatives? Achina Malawi Concentration-camp party(MCP) , Atumbuka For Destabilisation (AFORD) , the real Pumbwa party (PP) and United Dyslexic Front (UDF)…what about these other kids on the playground? Why are we picking favorites people? Mesa we should spread the love all across?….

well…BigDaddyBae and the good folks at Pabwalo entertainment do not blame you:

Machine gun pastor or not, Chaquera is one pretentious asswhore, or at least his phony American accent makes him sound like one… in any other case let it be known to him that as a nation we are past the stage of being marveled or seduced by exotic accents..zinasiya kutipasa nyere chief

AFORD is pretty much what happens when our friends from the North try running a family business; THE NORTH IN MALAWI ONLY ‘REMEMBERS’ VIMBUZA and nothing much else even after all their education…they still remain the only people who still stick to that cartoonish accent, primitive eating habits, lack of sense of fashion and witchcraft olo atakhala zaka ndi zaka kunja…nde akufuna atilamulire as one homogenous party? Mwina atafakamo ma yo awiri/atatuthey can be taken seriously

I have no much say for PP, that whole fiasco three years ago was just sad and depressing, like watching your mother being kicked out of her matrimonial home by your uncles; lock, stock and barrel (kulandidwa akatundu onse…komatu ankauzidwa kuti alomwe si anthu, azakulandani

UDF should just re-invest the money they have planned for the 2019 elections into making a documentary film on the struggle for democracy in Malawi ….i promise I will watch it….it will be a far more worthwhile venture,

And then we are left with UTM!

Dr Carlsberg Chill-ma and company…

Dr Chilli is quite the messianic figure really, a couple of comparisons can be drawn with Jesus indeed:
1. He is extremely religious

2. He is quite the ladies’ man

zamadolo izi

3. He moves around with disciples

4. Jesus turned water into wine, Dr Chilli drinks his wine like he drinks his water (apparently)

5. They both ‘preach’ in parables

6. Both are full of promises

7. Jesus was in control of the Holy Spirit, Dr Chilli was in control of the biggest mobile network in Malawi…

The list goes on

But unlike Jesus who arguably only had one questionable character in his posse (Judas Iscariot), Dr Chili has a lot…comedians and crooks inclusive.

Let’s just say by the caliber of his associates, it looks like the good doctor is trying to cure malaria from the nation’s body system using mosquitoes….some of the same mosquitoes and ticks that have been draining our blood and infecting us pretty much…same roster just in a different uniform.

But we have faith in his comedians, poti amati amisala anawona nkhondo…

Koma nde mwati UTM ameneyu ali ndi jenta?(‘Jenta’ is the Malawian colloquial term for the drug Gentamycin, administered to victims of STI as part of treatment….koma amabaya kuthako…don’t ask me how I know this info, I have a lot of sexually active friends ok…lol)

Anyway it will all be up to the village champions to decide come 2019…koma Nsima izawatopesa?

….to be continued


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