aside Katakwe’s One-Man Opinion Poll [Not Pretty]

I’ve got to admit, that title ranks up there with a cold shower in June as far as turn-offs are concerned. I’ll cut myself some slack because this is the first Katakwe article in 1 year 10 months! I know you didn’t miss my foul-mouthed black ass, Don’t worry, I’m just here to disturb the peace kidogo. After all, big daddy bae is too busy fighting statues….Lol.


Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk trash (cough…politics…cough). Bear in mind that this is all just non-partisan banter, but if I come out to be skewed towards a certain political party, then fuck it, I’m human. After all, Pabwalo hasn’t paid for an editor so this will be pretty raw… if you don’t like that, up yours!…

What’s my opinion about the current political parties?

DPP reminds me of bambo Thole, the old sugar daddy of my neighbourhood who has been fucking all the ladies because he drives a Land Rover and owns an imaginary insurance firm. He has been fucking everyone’s wife in the hood by making fake promises since 2014. All the slay queens hate him, because he lies a lot and is really terrible in bed, but they still open their legs, because the alternatives don’t look like an upgrade. There are many other eligible Casanovas in the hood but Thole outfucks them all because ambiriwa pa lisani pamaoneka flat, so the slay queens aren’t all that impressed.

UTM on the other hand looks a lot like a sibling of mine who finished year one of engineering at Poly and all of a sudden thought he could fix all the broken electronics in the house, kutipangisa ena tonsefe pakhomopo kuoneka ngati zitsiru. These guys know how to talk the talk, but my spam folder taught me not to trust a salesman ndiye game ikuvutirapo apa. Forgive me for my distrust brother Chilima. It’s all because of a certain “politician” in 2014 who promised to deliver 5 universities in 5 years. As soon as we opened our legs to him, we got fucked puleni-puleni in every imaginable hole, then we were compensated with community colleges instead of Universities. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a pussy, it’d be wet for UTM right now, but you guys better start detailing HOW you’re gonna create the million jobs and build the Blantyre-LL rail line. I don’t buy the bullshit story that you don’t want to elaborate because others may steal your ideas…

I was listening to an MCP rally today and I heard someone shout Kwacha! Instead of feeling pumped up, I got nostalgic and remembered baba John Tembo. I’m sure Chakwera would be depressed if he knew. These guys don’t seem to understand that the demographics of this country are changing. The people who used to relate with such slogans are now old, few and irrelevant. The majority of the population of this country were born after 1985. That means they don’t remember and don’t give a brown shit about the past. MCP needs to freshen up its ideas and grow some balls. If I was cursed to have a boner everytime i get excited about Mfundo za MCP, I’d say bye bye to my tight boxers chifukwa palibe chototesa.

How about the voters?

Dziamalawi…. Tazioneni, mxiiew! Zili busy kukhapana, kutukwanana, kudana because of a bunch of clueless politicians who can’t tell east from west. What makes me angry the most is that tribalism is still not just confined to the villages. It exists at all levels of society, including our young otherwise-exposed generation. Let’s face the facts, it is not a coincidence that most of the Chewa people on my facebook list support MCP. It is not mere chance that most of the Lomwes in my clique support DPP. Take a raincheck on your Yao friends, they are either staunch UDF or they claim to be neutral because UDF has gone to shit. The majority of Tumbuka’s will support UTM, because they still haven’t forgiven DPP for the quota system, and they haven’t forgiven MCP because their parents say so (Lol).

How about this new “tribe” called “The Youth”?

I love it! A voting block that will be development conscious and impervious to tribal bigotry. Nothing brings people together than a common enemy. The young rebellious 2pac Shakur generation want to take over government, because we feel that the oldtimers have let us down. This country stopped moving in 1994, we want to drain the swamp and get things moving again. Part of me thinks africa’s shit leadership is a generational thing. Frankly speaking, madolo amene alamulira Africa since the early 90s are just shit. That’s why every African country has a story about a great independence leader from the 60s, 70s and 80s who died and got succeeded in the early 90s by a string of dumb-asses from the current generation of Makolo. It’s a recurrent theme, but you know what else is recurrent? The retirement of the Makolo generation and the takeover by progressive youth. It happened with Uhuru Kenyatta, It is happening in Ethiopia, Malema akuyabwanso ku Joni… of course ena zikuwavuta like Chamisa ku Zimbabwe. Kunonso tikufunika ka revolutionally youth kazatenge game time ina yake… even if its Sally Kumwenda (cough).

900 Words! That’s too long for a piece that doesn’t involve any of my drunken debauchery. Not a bad job for a come-back piece… sorry if it smells a little virginy



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