Why do all good things come to an end?
Shaq and Kobe
Lebron and D-Wade
Fiddy and Game
APM and Chilima
Now Big Daddy Bae and Ntcheu…..sigh
Indeed dear readers, welcome to Pabwalo 2019 (season 5), receive my congratulations for keeping yourself alive past through the shit storm that was 2018….
But hey, moving forward we shall, New Year new stuff right?
For the Biggest of Daddies Bae, this has entailed abandoning his beloved Ntcheu (Mphate) and all of the district’s prostitutes in search for greener pastures and new vaginas.
After 5 years of Uncle B, Everest bar and restaurant, Mama’s shebeen, sleeping with my maid, poaching various slay queens from their city stations into my Ntcheu bedroom chambers, numerous fights, even more numerous pregnancy scares and one STI …
I have been forced by economic reasons to take the high road and move my headquarters from Ntcheu to……..DRUMROLL PLEASE!!!…WAIT FOR IT…WAIT…..EHEM…..To Dedza district
I know right?
Very spectacular, it’s the same thing as moving from South Sudan to the USA…..same same.
I will not bother you with the details of how this change came to be about, rather I would like to share with you the last intimate moments of my stay in Ntcheu:
On this final day, I woke up around 7:30 AM and was out of bed by eight…don’t ask me what I was doing during the 30 minute lapse in between waking up and actual getting out of the bed, just know its something that motivates a grown man to go bath….
Any how, after my bath I quickly headed out in search of my breakfast kanyenya and Maheu, but not before I collected a mysterious black plastic bag from my room of whose significance shall be realized later on in the story…
I got to my usual Kanyenya spot pa afana Henz who upon acknowledging my presence started preparing my usual preference: chidale ma piece 9 and machende sikisi a mbuzi AKA breakfast of a champion.
We made some idle talk as I waited for my meat to get sautéed to the right brown, we talked about the usual kanyenya chiwaya stuff: Chances of UTM pulling it off, who was spotted in the morning going to the youth drop in center at Banja la Mtsogolo kokabayisa Jenta…etcetera etcetera…
Then not before long my meal was ready, armed with the standard kanyenya toothpick I started devouring my meal , stabbing the perforated testicles one at a time then volleying them into my mouth…..auuuuwwwww the creamy goodness that is fried goat testicles!!
Lost in the moments and thoughts I was suddenly disturbed from my slumber by Henz
“kodi munthu wankulu msomba zowumazo mwazigula ku msika wake uti uti?”
I looked around for the dried fish he implied in his statement
“msomba zake zitiziti madala?” I implored
He gestured to the black jumbo in my possession, at which I chuckled and figured that he had wrongly deduced that I had fish in my possession emanating from the rotten fishy smell coming from the plastic jumbo.
“zitaye, muli ngini inayake”.
I quickly devoured the remaining testicles and meat , paid my fare and left the premises, not wanting to engage into follow up questions on account of the black plastic jumbo.
Next destination was Uncle B, particularly the resthouse compound (ku ma room), I had an important appointment there partly concerning the black plastic jumbo.
I got to the central courtyard and indeed there I found Violet, my key prostitute handler whom I had employed to help coordinate my mission that morning.
Her eyes lit up as soon as she recognized me, she pranced over to give me a hug and with her was the hybrid scent of ‘yesterday Carlsberg special’ from her mouth and manyuchi condom oil smell from her fingertips…that classic ‘hule asanasambe’ smell, who can blame her? It was 9 in the morning and mavuto amadzi ku ntcheu ndi osayamba
“koma dzaddzie(daddy) ndimati simufika, ndakudikililani since hafu eyiti” she pronounced as she planted 2 wet hangover lips on my right cheek in greeting…
“ndabwera” I retorted then set her to call the rest of the assembly I hoped to address that morning
She disappeared into the corridors of Uncle B resthouse annex and I could hear her banging doors and shouting “azimayi tazitulukani dzaddzie tu afika kaletu , nde paja nakuuzani kuti amati sizikhala zochedwa….tiyeni uku mahule inu”
One by one the variuous shapes and smells of Uncle B prostitutes started emerging from the corridors into the courtyard till I had a workable grouping size I had hoped for…
As soon as all were assembled before me in the courtyard and the place was buzzing with puzzled whispers as to why they had been summoned, Violet took charge:
“azimayi timverane! Kumbuyo uko! Chete , tiyankhule nkhani imodzi , tisachedwepo pano, lunch hour is in 2 hours tikakonzeke paja ma customers apa lunch amakhala a punctual and oyendera nthawi”
The gathering gradually ground down to a silence
Violet then turned to me “Dzaddzie anthu ajatu ndi awa, masukani, inu kuno ndi kwanu siinu mlendo, tonse timakuziwani”
I cleared my throat to command all attention to me….as I did so, I surveyed the all familiar eyes peering at me from the girls: Prisca, malita, Chimwemwe, Chikondi, Tiyanjane, Mafa, Linda, Sella, Nelia, Agafa, Alefa….they were all there….auuuuwwwww the memories, auuuuw the ejaculations, ….i shifted my legs on the ground briskly, then started my rehearsed speech:
“Moni nonse” they replied “ZIKOMO!” in unison
“mmene wanenera Vayi, ine kuno si mlendo, ambirinu tikuziwana ndipo ambirinu tachindana” a moment of silence in acknowledgment of my statement ensued from the crowd, then I continued:
“kubwera kwanga lero ndikwa malawirano, sindiyankhula zambiri, kwanga ndikongothokoza kuti anthu inu mwandisamala , yakuthako mumandibonzesa mosawilungwira ndipo zikandivuta yaulereso mumatha kundiganizila, simunandichitisepo manyazi”
They started ululating, I felt bolstered to go on
“ine ndikusamukila ku dedza ndiye simuzindionaona, but komabe sikuti ndachokamo mu mitima ndi mu ma buya mwanumo, I am still there”
“Yoli yoli yoli yoli!” They cried out, this was fast resembling a political meeting
“chonde enaso awoneseni chikondi ndi mavuzi amene mwandionesa ine pa zaka 5 ndakhala kuno, pitilizani kutiyimilira ndikumatinyekhulira kwina kulikonse tinga kumaneko, Malawi ndi wang’ono uyu”
Some whores were in tears by now, and they had now surrounded me…
I was also in tears and I had a boner…I purged myself to focus on the emotional aspect of the meeting, stifling my boner I ended with
“ZIKOMO NONSE, pa kuzipereka kwanu, pa Everest ndasiya mowa wa 60 pin kuti nonse mukamwe lero, landilani mphoto imeneyi mahule inu monga farewell gift”
“Dzaddzie chonde musatithawe, tisala ndi ndani ife, mahule aku dedza akakuphani dza, chonde musapite, ndinu athu inu” they cried…
I was now openly weeping and could no longer control the situation, I was receiving hugs left right and center, some girls were touching my shoulders, shaking my hands, petting my head, stroking my dick in final farewell…it was very emotional….(I’m actually shedding tears while typing this…sniff sniff)
Then violet took hold of the situation
“ndikuyankhulira mmalo mwatonse pokuwuzani Dzaddzie kuti ife mawu ambiri tilibe, tikusowani ndipo December yathayi sitimaziwa kuti mukutinyenga komaliza, ife sitizapeza shokodido yokoma ngati yanu dzaddzie, chonde tiloleni aliyense avule nagona pansi inu mulowese pa aliyese kamozi kokha molumikiza mpaka muwazile dza…nanu mulandire farewell gift” she started removing her underwear, and the rest started to follow suit…
No one has ever done anything so thoughtful and caring to me as that gesture done by those bitches that fine morning…I was now crying uncontrollably…but I managed to answer
“iyayi guys, nthawi sindilora, ma errand anga ndi Nyanja, …valani azimayi, iwe Chimwemwe tasiya kupolama, nthawi yandichepera…sindizakuyiwalani nonse”
They started dressing back amid whimpers like wounded puppies (god bless their kind souls)
“ndabweresaso ma panti awa, ambirinu munayiwala kuchipinda kwanga mu maulendo osiyanasiyana, sindikuziwa kuti wandani ndi wandani…musolva” I said as I now finally produced the dried fish smelling anonymous black plastic jumbo and handed it over to Violet…”
After more hugs and kisses, I quickly exited and set my mind to my next appointment..