OK right, here we go- Dedza, Central Region Malawi!
This place is like Ntcheu’s weird pedophilic older brother, and it’s a big center for the fight against child marriages in Malawi and ‘like’ it doesn’t matter if you are Ngoni, Chewa or Yao (the three main tribes here) they all cheer for the same team-“team fucking children”…club fifteen is alive and well here (by this I mean they have an un-proportionately large number of 15 year old little girls actively engaged in all events sex)
But oh my God! So many coloureds here, and not just pa boma pokha, a substantial population of our mixed cousins with their different shades of kuthimbirila are also found in the rural interior of this dynamic district .
However the case, I understand the logic behind these people’s unhealthy indulgence in unripe vagina: guys kuno kumazizila kwambiri(ndi New York kale) and azimayi ambiri akuno ndi okhwima , matupi awo anawuma kale kale, hence men here will defy moral order and responsibility to pursue fresh warm blooded teenagers.
But enough about that, I know y’all are dying to know how Big Daddy Bae’s first time ‘out’ in dedza panned out, so without much further ado:
Being such a great easy going guy, it really didn’t take me time to make friends from the crowd of wretched souls I found cohabiting my new Dedza office premises , In no time I had spotted a red eyed bald headed fellow for whom we shall henceforth refer to as “Afana Fude”
Afana Fude is a true Dedza native, born and bred here, he and three other young Dedzaians currently run a youth organization which is situated three doors down from my office. I first encountered him at the urinals on my third day here, I walked up to the vacant urinal stand beside his and at first didn’t pay much attention to him really…
Then he let out a small whimper of pain as he finished exuding the last urine droplets from his member, it was plain, simple and obvious: adha awa anali ndi chizonono (Chlamydia) , and it was then I knew that this was my dude, my go to guy because if you are lost and alone who else to trust than a hangover- STI infested stranger right?
“Bho Man” I chimed in
“yes wa-kulu” he countered
We made our brief introductions from which then I notified him of my situation and need to explore Dedza and find my niche.
We quickly made plans to link up after knock off hours on Friday and everyone went their way, he had outstretched his hand for me to shake in ordinance of our new bond, but I politely shrugged the gesture off: my first STI in Dedza wasn’t going to originate in the men’s bathroom at my work place from a dude I hardly knew…I had other plans as pertaining to catching tizilomboti….
It is now Friday, around a quarter to noon which is 15 minutes to my self-designated knock off time for Fridays…
Headphones on, listening to Umoya by Heavy-K I fish out my phone and dial Fude’s digits to draw out the long awaited plan…
He answers on the fifth ring
“yes Matatizo!” he shrieks through the phone’s speaker
“man muli pati?, ifetu tiziweruka chapompano, tiyendera iti kodi” I enquire
“iiiii ife nde tathawira kaletu man. Ndili pa place penapake amati pa boiz(pronounced boys) club pafupi ndi depot, ndimadya kaye ganja , uziwa yanga ija hahaha” he retorts
“nde basi ndingozela kaye pa den ways, ndikupeze pompo, nditenga wakabaza” I instruct him
After we both agree onto this, I quickly clear my desk and head off for home. At home, I quickly change into a more casual attire, slip 2 packets of condoms into my pocket and head off to find Boiz club…
It didn’t take me time to locate a kabaza guy who ably transported me to Boiz club and my destiny…
I enter the dingy premises that constitute Boiz club and stand around for a moment surveying the environment and looking for Fude…
I finally locate Fude, he is at the back of the room , by a billiards’ table and it looks like he is engaged in a casual game of pool with two scantily dressed 14 year old prostitutes…I move over and I am greeted with the all too familiar scent of cocoa butter mixed with suwiti wa janus, the national smell of Malawian prostitutes.
Fude quickly recognizes me and pauses the ongoing game…
“yes wansembe wankulu! Koma nde takudikiliranitu” he then gestures to the teens “awa ndi ma frenzo, Salome ndi Fuledrika koma timangoti Dhika”
Salome the coloured looking one simply acknowledges me with a nod while ‘Dhika’ the darker and pimple faced one scoots over and gives me one of those secondary school-era one handed diagonal hugs and greets me with “yes Bae, nice to meeting you, good times”
I am left puzzled, befuddled and stained with her cheap make up…
As much as I respect the world’s oldest profession, I did not sign up for child prostitution…
Kodi zindithera bwanji?
Stay tuned…until next time